Letting the weird things out.

Why is it that sometimes a blank piece of paper (or screen as it may be) can sometimes seem so exciting and at other times so daunting?
I think it’s because sometimes we hold back what we really want to say, perhaps even to ourselves?
All of us, who write, us bloggers, only reveal a tiny piece of who we really are.
What we feel safe in revealing about ourselves.
This is true in our real worlds, real lives too, wouldn’t you say?

Imagine how our lives would be if everyone revealed everything, the raw truths about ourselves, our feelings, our reactions, fears, insecurities….
We would all be quite afraid of each other, wouldn’t we?
We’d want to lock each other up in padded cells.

It’s amazing how we learn to trust only what we want to believe. What is safe….
If we spoke our thoughts out loud – that inner monologue that perpetually bombards our minds – let those slippery thoughts loose on our tongues , out for the world to hear….

My daughter and I pondered the other day….Do deaf people hear that voice/or voices ? That same spoken inner monologue inside their heads as we hearing people hear?
They can’t can they, if they have never heard themselves speak?
I wonder what goes on inside their minds? How it must feel? Do they see images instead of hearing words?
I’d like to know.

Thoughts are strange things.
They are the source of all things.
A single thought gains momentum, and like a rolling snowball down a mountainside, gathering snow, can have such power and impact.
It’s so true….everything begins with a single thought.
Which is exactly why it’s so important to have nice thoughts.

I’m feeling depressed actually, and I’m not having nice thoughts.
If I were to blog really honestly right now I’d say….. I feel so fat, and ugly and old, and lonely and everything hurts and I hate getting older and I’m miserably perimenopausal and I hate myself for allowing myself to wallow in negativity and I just noticed today in the mirror that when I smile a million wrinkles seem to appear that weren’t there before and I had the random thought today that “I wonder if I could tattoo my whole face whether that would allow me to not see these wrinkles anymore so I could pretend that I’m not getting older, so that I could pretend to NOT feel afraid of…..death.”

You see how weird that makes me sound?
Come on….I know I’m not the only one who has these sort of strange thoughts.
We’re all strange, in one way or another.
We just never allow the weirdness OUT.
Not completely out anyway.
Perhaps I am not even prepared to reveal ALL my weirdness….

And then I contemplated how lucky men are to be able to grow beards, because it hides wrinkles when they smile.
I’m not saying I want to be the next bearded lady, but…..
So if I am to continue being honest here…
Everything hurts.
My hips, my knee’s, my fingers, my feet all ache.
I think it’s hormonal….
We bought some tiger balm when we were away…Last night in desperation I smeared it all over my legs to try and stop the aching, but it ended up feeling like I’d dipped my legs in toothpaste.
As I blinked back the tears (from the fumes coming off my legs) I told my husband who was in bed next to me.
“I feel like I’ve dipped my legs in toothpaste.”
He just looked at me and said…
“You are so weird….how would you even know what toothpaste dipped legs feel like?”

Today I drank cabbage juice.
They say it is supposed to be good for inflammation….
It is not nice to drink.
My husband saw me and said “You are so weird, drinking cabbage juice.”
Tomorrow I’ll try a bit of ginger mixed in with it too.
And apple….

I’m going to try not to think about all those wrinkles that appear on my face when I laugh and smile wide.
I’m not young anymore.
I’m allowed to look my age.
It’s ok.
Dying is ok too.
It will be alright.
I believe there is something else after “this”.
Somewhere where I won’t have to drink cabbage juice.
Somewhere where weird is completely normal and everything will make sense.
Or maybe it won’t but that will be perfectly ok.

Do you think I’m suffering from a bit of post holiday depression?

I think I need another trip away.
At least from the inside of my head.

Tomorrow I will create!
Great things.
Open the gates and let the weird things OUT.

About Tracy Lundgren

I am a people watcher,life observer, nature lover, spiritual seeker loving this crazy wild ride that life is taking me on. I am still a blank piece of paper waiting to be filled and that is good.
This entry was posted in Anxiety, Blogging, Creativity, Getting older, happiness, hormones, husbands, I don't fit in, Life, Spirituality, Weird thoughts and odd stuff, writing and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

20 Responses to Letting the weird things out.

  1. Tasneem says:

    I think everyone goes through phases like that. Whether it’s just for a day at a time or weeks. I mean there are women in their 20’s who worry about wrinkles and use anti-aging products. About the aches and pains, getting a massage usually helps. And aromatherapy oils are pretty good too πŸ™‚ Also, you should try making an egg facial mask. I use a teaspoon olive oil, egg yoke, and a tablespoon of honey. Hope you feel better soon.

    • desertrose7 says:

      Thankyou Tasneem. I might try the facial. Last time though when I tried a weird natural remedy concoction on my hair it was quite a disaster. Never put banana in your hair is all I’ll say, lol!!!

  2. annewoodman says:

    Oh, girl, it’s been a tough week for me, too! I cried one night and didn’t sleep well and then woke up with huge bags under my eyes and weird, unnatural-looking wrinkles like a 90-year-old woman.

    I started a blog post about how I was hitting a low point but had to scrap it because I didn’t want to depress people. ; )

    Sometimes I repeat to myself Scarlett O’Hara’s old stand-by: Tomorrow is another day.

    Hang in there!

  3. Gerry says:

    Just laugh at the aches and wrinkles Tracy it goes with the job LOL. Whilst my brain appeared to have stopped its clock at 18 my body constantly reminds me that I am 68 next birthday. It has reached the point that I get concerned when something doesn’t ache. I think back to a couple of years ago when I jumped onto the beach loaded with two chairs and the cold box and spinning into a dive and suffering cracked ribs for weeks. Falling into the bath off the step ladder whilst painting convinced I had broken my arm and my darling wife commenting “Just as well it wasn’t the right arm as you wouldn’t be able to carry on painting”. I still laugh at myself when I look at the bald old fart in the shaving mirror and suspect that smile wrinkles are a gift.

    Anyone noticed that the small print on food packaging in general is getting smaller every year LOL.

    • desertrose7 says:

      Yes, both Richard and I have resorted to magnifying glasses, lol! I just don’t want to look into the mirror with one of those. Ha! Has she still got you up on ladders these days? πŸ™‚

      • Gerry says:

        Tracy I am now falling down without the need of a ladder as I fell down the stairs on Saturday. Nothing broken or dented except maybe my dignity LOL πŸ™‚

  4. If my thoughts were to prevail, the world would be my suicidal blood bath where, more often than not, though it is my head, I play the beaten up pulp. Worry not bout weirdness, I freaked my friend out by teasing to wanting a (peculiar) beard I saw in a textbook today. Then admiring a sheep’s behind in another class. Plus, I find smile lines charming. (:

  5. Just remind yourself, no ordinary moments, no ordinary people, no ordinary lives – no matter whats going on. Hey, take a walk along the beach, that always works for me!

    Take care, Baz

  6. How many times we feel this way – related and I have lain my soul bear to the blogging world in a few posts of mine. I think you are suffering post holiday depression, a natural occurrence when we get back to reality….and yes you are allowed to look your age..you are stronger than I for drinking cabbage juice however 😦

  7. Dan says:

    Then again, there are times when we say too much, right?

    Interesting conversation that must have been with your daughter about deaf people’s thoughts.
    I’ve always felt that people, shall we say, who might be lacking in one area often make up for it in others.
    And I’ll bet we could learn a thing or two from them as well.

    Sometimes, “thoughts are strange things”.
    Maybe you should think about those days as a child back in Zimbabwe and some of the thoughts you had back then.
    As children we didn’t think so much, did we?
    We were too busy playing and having fun.
    And then as we got “older” we began to build these walls up between us. πŸ˜•

    I know. Think Peter Pan. πŸ˜€ Yep, I still don’t want to grow up.
    Probably why I loved “Under The Tuscan Sun” so much.
    “Never lose your childish innocence. It’s the most important thing.”
    “What are four walls, anyway? They are what they contain. The house protects the dreamer. Unthinkably good things can happen, even late in the game. It’s such a surprise.”

    Come on….. I think Baz had a great suggestion. Get out there on the beach and just enjoy…
    You know you will. πŸ˜‰

    Yes, let it out and then tomorrow go out and create.
    Know that your creations make lots of people smile and ponder and lots of other things.
    Go ahead, get out there tomorrow and make someone smile. πŸ™‚

    • desertrose7 says:

      Yes, sometimes we do say too much. I almost regret this blog post, but then again, I am human…..not always seeing the funny side to things…but most of the time I do.
      This too shall pass, as they say…. πŸ˜‰

      • Dan says:

        πŸ˜€ If i were to let all of my thoughts out of the dog house, a padded cell would feel just like a mansion. (I don’t know what that means right now, but I’ll think about it later :?)
        Especially like the very realistic dream I had a couple of nights ago. 😳
        Yeah, problem is they’re passing too quickly 😯
        Who arrrrrre they? πŸ˜‰

  8. Adam S says:

    I’ll give you a few pointers – I wear my weirdness like a mink coat…

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