I am not the same person.

I know I keep bringing up the fact that I have Hashimoto’s. Part of the reason is my own frustration and because it is on my mind – obviously because it has impacted my health so much, and partly because I hope by sharing my own experience that I can be a voice for this, even here in this tiny seemingly insignificant little blip of a spot on the Internet.
The fact is, I am just NOT the same person anymore and it makes me a little sad and a little angry.

The most devastating thing I am experiencing is the fact that I am losing my hair.
As a woman this is probably one of the most traumatic aspects of this disease.
Not just because of vanity….because you stick out like a sore thumb when you are losing hair – (it’s not like you can stop people from looking directly at your head), but because you have absolutely no control over it.

Being in control has always been important to me. I suppose to most it is important but to me because certain circumstances in my past were completely out of my control and inevitably had a long lasting negative impact on me, this control thing is really quite an issue.
So to end up with an auto immune disease where your body attacks ITSELF….me attacking ME basically, is kind of ironic because I’ve always been my own worst enemy – emotionally.
I wonder if there is some sort of a connection?

I hear a lot of stories from other women (it’s mainly women who have Hashimoto’s though some men can be unlucky too) who speak of their frustrations and symptoms and anger at the medical community out there who for the most part have very little knowledge when it comes to auto immune disease.
Unlike something like say diabetes for example, little research has been done on Hashimoto’s in comparison and the standard treatment of handing out thyroid medication telling the patient “take this for the rest of your life” quite frankly is JUST NOT GOOD ENOUGH, because it really does nothing to address the WHOLE issue.

Your thyroid is an amazingly complex gland that can impact almost every cell in your body.
But that is just the organ which is targeted by this disease.
The auto immune side of things is another thing altogether and many auto immune diseases go hand in hand. You have one, you are at risk of others joining in the party.
To me it is like the beast inside me. Invisible and clever and very very slippery.

It’s so complicated and I don’t pretend to understand it all, and what makes it harder is that it affects your brain too. “Brain fog” they call it.
Your ability to absorb and retain information, to have full concentration. Being either hypothyroid or hyperthyroid can affect your brain in different ways.
I knew something was not right with me years ago….Ha! (So did many others)
No seriously…I felt that my brain was not working “right”.
I felt “creatively stupid”…..at times. Not all the time. Sometimes it would clear and I could do things but then at other times it was like my brain was just not able to function properly.
For a highly creative person like me – and trust me this is different to a ‘creative block”, it has been immensely maddeningly frustrating, and sometimes a little scary.
Knowing WHY this was happening to me, along with the anxiety and depression, weight gain, weight loss and dozens of other things was almost a relief in a way.
Suddenly I wasn’t just CRAZY anymore.

You wouldn’t think that your thyroid would affect things like your brain function and your hair….Seems strange that it could affect your moods and state of mind.
We think of the thyroid as being a metabolic organ….and you think of weight principally, but it affects SO many other things.
In fact there is a list of more than 300 symptoms and effects caused by Hashimoto’s.
I am immensely pleased that I do not have them all. 🙂

300 “typical” thyroid symptoms (yep, that many!)

I wish every family member, partner or friend of someone with Hashimoto’s would take a look at that and understand that it really does drive a person to distraction – even having just a fraction of those things going on at any one time….and to make it worse, variations of symptoms that can crop up – come and go as they please. (It’s really no fun for loved ones standing by watching it all either, I might add.)
Never mind about not knowing if you are Arthur or Martha….with Hashimoto’s it’s like you have the worst kind of multiple personality disorder ever imagined!
Fact is, from one week to the next sometimes you just don’t know how you’ll feel.
Hence – I REALLY am not the same person anymore.

It’s not that bad for me, now. At the moment anyway! (shhh, the beast might hear!) Medication has helped somewhat and a lot of my symptoms have lessened or gone away, but the hair loss in particular just seems to be getting worse despite doing everything I know to do to try and get it under control. Diet, supplements, hormones, digestive enzymes….Right now I’m on natural dessicated thyroid made from pigs thyroid. Controversial to some doctors and not always easy to get. Agghh! You have no idea how much this is costing both mentally and monetarily.

One of my daughters is growing (do you grow them?) dreadlocks at the moment.
I don’t like them much (but they do suit her I must admit) and I said to her “Maybe I should save all my hairs that are falling out and roll them into dreadlocks for future use?”
The crazy thing is…I really thought about this for a bit and actually wondered if there was some way I could clip them to what’s left of the hair on my head?
Just as I wondered if I could get fake hair kinda tattoo’d on my scalp in the places where it’s thinnest…..just to disguise the white of my scalp?

Sheesh.
I know there are more important things in life, than hair…but dear Universe….God, Goddesses….. wishbones, birthday candles, and shooting stars….please hear me, and do your thing!!!