Warning! Not for those with weak stomachs.

Remember this picture. If you start to feel ill at any time, scroll up and look at the cute puppy.

So today I look at my fourteen year old son and he is sporting these huge red lips.
“Are your lips dry? Have you been licking your lips? You need some lip balm on those.”
“I’ve been putting paw paw lotion on them.” he says.
“Wait, no, not paw paw lotion…tiger balm.”
WHAT?
So I explain to him what tiger balm is for.
“I wondered why they were burning.” he says.
Lord! Do I still need to lock the medicine cupboard up now that he is a teenager?

Why don’t men read the instructions?
It’s like they think all those words printed on the labels of things are just there for decoration.
“I don’t need instructions! I’m a MAN. I have… the KNOWING.”
If my son had read all the blurb on the jar of tiger balm he would have read what it says it’s for…headaches, stuffy nose, sprains, muscle pains…..and flatulence.
Yeah, flatulence.
Don’t ask me how, because I have wondered myself.
But never, ever….for lips!

Anyway, speaking of MEN. (Here comes the gross stuff.)
My husband is currently ill in bed, a day before we are due to go away – overnight, to some secret location, because he won’t tell me WHERE, to celebrate our 26th Wedding anniversary.

But….that’s if we get to go.

You see….about 29 years ago I TOLD my husband that he should have this rather large sebaceous cyst cut out of his back.
“No no…it’s fine.”…..and it was, for nearly three decades, but suddenly last night he came home and there is a VOLCANO on his back.
I’m talking Mt Vesuvius about to ERUPT.
I’m talking…..it’s like he needs an over the shoulder boulder holder to contain this thing!
Angry and RED…..swollen to excruciating proportions and so obviously full of PUS!
(Remember….cute puppy above, if in need.)
It really alarmed me, so I sent him to the doctors today.
Even the doctor was shocked!
Nothing they can do while it’s so inflamed and painful so he has to take antibiotics in the meantime.
Now tonight he’s feverish, feeling nauseous and in bed with wheat pillows on his (hunch) back.
29 years ago…..I TOLD him to have something done about it.
He never listens.

Anyway, I’m not sleeping with him tonight. This thing looks ready to EXPLODE and I do not want to be in the line of fire when it does.
Disgusting hey.
Have you ever watched you tube video’s on excising cysts?
My daughter has shown me.
Why she watches these things I don’t know.
Well, I do, because it’s hideously fascinating.
But you don’t want to be sleeping next to something that is a potential cream cheese BOMB. (cute puppy….cute puppy…)
So tonight I’m in the lounge room. I think that’s far enough away.

Tomorrow night I don’t know where I’ll be.

Today marks the day, after seven months of living back with us that my 25 year old daughter has once again left home to return to the middle of the bloody desert somewhere over in Western Australia.
To Karratha to be precise. Never know how to spell it. I bet over there the burly mining blokes say “Krrrraaaathaaaa!”
She’s been offered a job as a restaurant manager. Who couldn’t turn that offer down!
Well, those of us that that love living in the boonie boonies anyway.
Those that love 35 bloody degree’s (In winter!) dust, flies and tumbleweeds.
Not me.
I told her she’s not allowed to fall in love with anyone over there, because it’s too far away.
She can make friends, but no babies.

I’m sad, but happy for her.
I miss her already.

Wait- don’t eat that sandwich yet!
During the writing of this blog my husband came into me and said.
“Uhh…can you look….I think it’s popped.”

OOOOhhhhhhh myyyyyyyyy!
God, you’d never thought I was once a nurse hey, but I truly did NOT want to look.
Then he asks me to “clean it up”.

Aggghhhrrrssshhhhhhpppphhhhhllllleeeegggghhhh!!!

“Do I have to?”

Well, I tried. Armed with my reading glasses (as makeshift goggles) and a tea towel wrapped around my face and long GLOVES. Mind you, all done while I’ve got hair dye in my hair. I looked a real treat.

It hasn’t totally popped.
A stubborn plug of cream cheese (crackers anybody?) remains with lots more gooey stuff to come out.
I really wanted to just SQUEEZE it….gently, but I know you shouldn’t….and he wouldn’t let me. ::::sigh:::
It’s going to leave a crater from hell once it does pop.

Are you feeling queasy yet?

I had to refrain myself from posting pictures, but I did tell my 17 year old to get some “good pics” for her year 12 artwork.
She’s doing this photography/visual arts thing on HEALTH.
How handy to have something truly grotesque right at hand….or on back, as the case may be, right here at home.

Somewhere in the shadows my 14 year old tiger balmed lipped son has been lurking whilst all this drama has been going on tonight.
You only have to mention something ever so slightly “icky” and he’s dry retching. God knows how he’s ever going to deal with his own children.
He keeps calling out asking for updates on his father’s unfortunate situation, but is too afraid to REALLY come take a proper look. (chicken)

All good fun.
We’ll see what tomorrow brings.
Hopefully fully popped things!

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