There is this really negative alter ego residing in my brain that has always been with me but in recent years she has been unusually persistent.
We all have one like it, I’m sure. Some are just louder, more demanding than others.
The one who sits on your shoulder and makes snide comments every time you think something hopeful or positive.
The one who criticizes you, makes you doubt decisions, tells you things like ….”You’ll look like an idiot if you……Who are you kidding, what makes you think….You know it won’t work…. ”
Or when she’s really in full swing …You’re unlikeable….unloveable….ugly, fat,old, stupid….”
She is the looming gargoyle perched on the far corner of my psyche, and I just wanna bust her ugly butt!
If I were a psychoanalyst I’d say that certain traumatic events in my early childhood, and early adulthood damaged my self esteem and the cumulative effects of these events led to this alter ego’s manifestation.
She is adding to the story that I and I alone begun!
Oh I make no bones about the fact that I am the one to blame. We are all masters of our own worlds!
Maybe we can’t change the past but we sure as damn well can change NOW.
I am an intelligent intuitive woman, with a good sense of self awareness and a sound understanding of my own psychology. A shrink that I’d gone to about anxiety problems, told me that once.
So as much as I know why she speaks to me the way she does, I can’t work out why I sometimes listen.
Could it be that when you reach the bottom of the hole there is somehow safety in the dark?
That this paralysis that exists there is less frightening than finding the courage to……move.
To have to climb up, towards the light takes effort and strength, and it means having faith in yourself.
On the other hand….after all, I am the TWO fish. Piscean….there is this other side to me who can be fun and impulsive and crazy and SUCCULENT!
I love that word….juicy and “succulent.”
Now this juicy succulent side of me (Read the book Succulent wild woman by SARK) is a bit zany and odd at times, but she loves to laugh, create, be gloriously silly…….She is the child in me that never got to grow up!
Sprawled out on the floor with a box of crayons scribbling madly, not caring what people think!
She’s the one who throws herself down on a grassy hill in public (just to embarrass her daughter) Sits on the ground at the bus stop instead of the seat and talks to strangers on trains.
The one who loves to explore really unusual ideas,to question EVERYTHING,to walk in the rain, to dance, to pour water down my sons pants when he won’t MOVE from his seat at the computer.
Who sucks in a breath at the sheer beauty of the world. I mean almost painfully JOYFUL moments that completely overtake my senses and leave me feeling in complete awe of the intricate amazing complexity of this wonderful thing called life!
I love her when she’s around.
She is the one, for the most part writing this blog, but if you’ve been following me you may have sensed at times the occasional emergence of the Gargoyle. Perhaps.
I have to shut her up, constantly.
As much as she’d like to take control of my fingers and type terribly depressing, ugly DARK things….I try to stop her.
For instance, the other day she typed this….
I remember my first year of high school. It was hard….Puberty was hard.
I didn’t want to be in this body….this new morphing body that had so quickly become so very woman-ish. I hated it!
I was painfully shy, used to blush like crazy if someone spoke to me. I was ill at ease in this new environment….all these brash, outspoken cocky kids.
Even in year seven the whole sexual thing had begun….flirting, people having boyfriends and girlfriends… “Getting” with each other. Kissing. Sheesh! I knew what that was all about and wanted NO part of it.
I’ll never forget, one morning standing in line waiting for class when this “popular” boy came up to me and said in a really breathy, excited way….
“Tracy….I think….you are….so…..UGLY!!!!”
That day, I crumpled inside, because he said to me, what *I* had been saying to me, for a long time.
There it was….someone else knew….saw…. There was my truth, spat out in my ugly face right there, in front of a whole bunch of other kids.
The gargoyle loves that story.
Relishes in the memory of it. Throws it up whenever I see a photograph of myself, catch a glimpse in the mirror…
Uses it to try and prevent Miss juicy and succulent from doing things that she WANTS to do.
Today I danced.
I’m not saying it was easy, because it’s been a LONG time and I’ve seized up and everything hurts.
The gargoyle was there watching me, throwing in a few sarcastic comments for good measure.
“Who do you think you are….you’re way to old to BELLY DANCE! Past it….totally grotesque in your awkward attempts to be graceful….”
But you know what… I LIKE to dance, and you’re never too old for THIS dance. (Not in the true sense of “the old ways”….)
So what if I may never be like those expert belly dancers who’ve been shimmying since they slid out the womb…
So what if I don’t have beautifully slender arms and if my hands sometimes don’t do the graceful movements in my head.
So what if I’m now much curvier than I used to be and have a stomach, hips, thighs and bits that jiggle outrageously.
I’ve signed up for another class.
My husband saw me in the kitchen still in my dancing gear….
“Why are you half naked with boobs everywhere?”
He looked pleasantly surprised, hopeful maybe even.
Oh yes, it’s time.
We’ll laugh and have fun, and trip over our feet and feel unnerved by the sensation of our flesh shaking and shimmying all over the place, but as women we will unite in all our differences, our various sizes and shapes, ages and stages and we will simply DANCE.
And the gargoyle?
She can go take a flying leap off that precipice.
I wrote a song in honour of ….succulence. 😉