I don’t know what the proper “vine etiquette” is between neighbours, but today I think I will have to go next door and tell the lady that lives there, that her yard is hosting a vine that threatens to put Day of the Triffids to shame.
After much procrastination, I went outside yesterday to do some routine weeding and when I turned around I noticed….the VINE.
When did THAT happen?
I swear I just turned my back on the garden for just (a few weeks) a second!
This wildly flowering vine had coiled and twined itself around the entire line of hibiscus bushes running along the fence.
I mean completely enveloped them!
You could barely SEE the hibiscus bushes underneath!
You know that documentary? What was it called? “Life after people” ? (Excellent)
Well, when people go, nature will reclaim EVERYTHING. Swallow it right back up, and you know what will do that?
Entire cities will be enveloped by vines.
I was facing a backyard emergency.
Hailing all the children (hubby was out buying heavy duty garden gloves….Why does it take an HOUR to go and buy garden gloves?)I commanded them to HEAVE….PULL…”Quick, the hibiscus bushes are suffocating!”
We tore at the vine….wrenched it off, tugged, snapped, grabbed armfuls of it, got smeared up to our armpits in slick sticky vine juice.
One daughter broke a nail. Oh crisis. Devastation.
“I don’t care about your nail! The vine! The vine!”
So ruthless this vine, twisting it’s way around all the branches….A nightmarish TANGLE, and so MUCH of it!
I hate vines, they are insidious….sneaky… parasitically evil.
Who would purposefully plant a vine?
It’s only aim in life is to creep.
My mother used to call them “creepers”.
That’s right! Creepy in the way they CREEP. And they do it FAST!
Turn your back for a second and they are devouring the family pets.
The boa constrictors of the plant world.
Not only had this vine consumed the hibiscus bushes , but they had made their way across, over the top to attack another large bushy tree thing.
I had to get the garden shears and break this bridge.
Edward scissor hands eat your heart out. I was like a madwoman, snip, snip, snipping in a frenzy.
Pruning is so deliciously addictive.
“Oooorrrffff with your head!”
Hubby came back, with the garden gloves and had an instant heart attack when he saw half the back yard lying in three HUGE separate piles.
I was like a woman possessed….vine juice on my face….sticks caught in my hair, leaves between my cleavage…
All I could manage to get out was…
“There’s…. a VINE!”
“There’s no more room in the trailer!” he said, greatly dismayed at actually having to USE the garden gloves….and his legs and his body, to actually transport these enormous piles of amputated foliage.
I didn’t care….
The vine HAD to go!
The last of it was tugging at some overhanging hibiscus branches….dragged them completely over the other side of the fence.
Would it be rude to just snip those off and have them and that incredibly weighty ” throbbing heart of the vine” fall unceremoniously into my neighbours yard in a mangled heap?
I don’t know if she adored the look of that vine there….?
There it went.
Horrid, horrid thing.
I shall go over there to see her.
What shall I say?
“Could you keep your vine on YOUR side of the fence please?”
How can I be casual and friendly about it?
I want to say….”Are you out of your freaking MIND, owning such a dangerous VINE! It needs to be kept chained up, muzzled! It’s EVIL! Burn it at the stake!”
I hate gardening. 😦