Hearts wide open.

handinhand

Today marks a special day.
My eldest daughter has reached a quarter of a century!
Hell that makes me feel old.
I love this pic of her…

Keira

I still remember that first morning alone with her as a newborn.
Quiet moments of just staring at this tiny perfect human being feeling completely overwhelmed with incredulous emotions of amazement (I made this?) and of a profoundly deep love, deeper than I could have ever imagined.
My world, my heart, my perspective on life had changed, forever.
Honestly, the shift in my BEING, my spirit, was so very real.
It was like my soul grew.
Happiest of birthdays darling! (A whole new year of adventures ahead!) It’s so nice having you home again! We’ve missed you so much!

Today also possibly marks the final day of my second eldest daughters pregnancy.
She will be going into hospital this evening where they will begin the process of induction.

It has been a bittersweet journey we’ve been on with our daughter throughout this pregnancy and that is HAS been, is something I have struggled with immensely.
I have been greatly disappointed at times, in myself.
The situation we felt, was less than ideal and to be honest, we were not initially overjoyed by the news.
In fact, it’s why I started this blog, to distract me from some of the very stressful, emotional things going on.
It’s hard to admit that, especially being the first one of our kids having a child- our first grandchild and I wished it could have been different, for her. Our feelings, at least.
But the passage of time has somewhat ironed out some of the more complex emotional issues.
Now my focus is completely on her physical and emotional well being.

The funny thing was that shortly before the unexpected pregnancy was announced I had a dream that I was on a train, with one of my daughters (couldn’t see the mother) and I knew the child with her was my grandchild.
What an odd dream it was…just a “feeling” about it. One of those dreams that just lingers with you.
I even mentioned it to all my daughters the next day who all laughed…”Well it isn’t me…..!”
And then, of course, it happened..

The child in the dream was a girl though, and my daughter is having a son.
Of most consequence though, and something I cling to, is that in the dream I am feeling completely at peace. “All is well “- particularly between the mother, myself and the child.

I’m ashamed of some of my emotions over the last ten months.
Shocked at times at my inability to be a calm accepting, go with the flow -parent.
A good wise male friend of mine said to me “Your daughter is about to become a woman in every primitive sense of the word. A mother! ”
(I had told him of the dream)
“You have seen the end result in the dream….so do you want to get there (to peace) slowly, and with difficulty or do you want to just skip all the bullshit?”
Well, I always do things the hard way, don’t I?

My own parents did not approve of the way I began my own journey into a relationship (moving out at 16)
I don’t blame them, now. 🙂
But it was a different circumstance. Messy situation. Divorce, a feeling of disconnection from both my parents. Feeling lost…And besides, I was just one who had to walk her own path, no matter what!
Thankfully it was almost four years before our first child came into the world, but it wasn’t easy.
We’ve gone through some tough times.
Some of them yes, I wish had been different.
Were we too young?
Yes.
Did we make mistakes?
Of course.
Are we still making mistakes as parents?
Without a doubt.

But, we’re still here, still together, having overcome situations that many other couples simply would not have.
Do we still love each other?
Yes.

I feel so emotional right now.
My daughter is about to give birth for the very first time.
What a momentous thing!
I wish I could be there to hold her hand and speak encouraging words, take away the fear and the pain.
But then again, it’s not my place. It is her partners place. It’s “their” moment. (and besides, she’s an ogre when she’s in pain – but I will if she wants me to be!)
See, it must be a control issue. All mothers have it.
We are just programmed to protect our children at all costs.
But a huge and most difficult part of being a mother is letting go, and this happens the moment that umbilical cord is cut!
Loving something with so much intensity is a very complex thing.
It’s overwhelming.
It IS something very primitive.

You just don’t know, until you are a mother yourself, how it changes you.
You really honestly don’t.
And it’s not ALL bubbles and hearts and glowing fuzzy moments.
There’s a lot of pain and heartache involved in being a parent.
I have the worry lines to prove it.
As with everything where there is immense pleasure, there is also pain and that begins with labour and birth.
But nothing you do in life, nothing completely worthwhile and soul changing EVER comes without some pain and sacrifice.
I want her to know this, understand this, while her body goes through the most amazing, miraculous and arduous process of childbirth.
And afterwards too, when the real work begins.

I feel very lucky to have the children I have.
They are good people. People I am proud to know.
Ok, so they’ve had their moments, and will continue to….as we all do.
None of us are perfect.

We all say that we wish nothing but happiness for our children, but the reality is that their journeys will not always be filled with happiness. They can’t possibly be and it would be “wrong”, “unnatural” if they were, simply because….” nothing you do in life, nothing completely worthwhile and soul changing EVER comes without some pain and sacrifice.”

So the best thing we can possibly teach our children is how to be strong and resilient, in order to grow, and be true to themselves, no matter what the circumstance.
But also to love deeply, and fully, with hearts wide open.
That is how babies come into the world….with hearts wide open.

Be strong…I love you…All will be well. (Gas is GOOD!)
I can’t wait for you to feel that overwhelming love flood your whole being when you hold your child in your arms for the first time.
It changes but it never stops.

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About Tracy Lundgren

I am a people watcher,life observer, nature lover, spiritual seeker loving this crazy wild ride that life is taking me on. I am still a blank piece of paper waiting to be filled and that is good.
This entry was posted in Children, Family, Getting older, happiness, health and well being, Life, Love, Marriage, Parenting, Parents and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

10 Responses to Hearts wide open.

  1. Your second last paragraph is so true!

  2. Oh, and happy birthday to your daughter….

  3. Dan says:

    Lots of emotion there Mother Me.
    First, a Happy Birthday to your eldest.
    And you know grandma, with “Hearts Wide Open” it might be nice to write another song in your motherly fashion.
    Peace. 🙂

  4. Tracy, this is so beautifully written. Loved reading this. I hope and pray that all has gone well with your daughters’ delivery of your first grandchild. Love for ones children and their children is the over flowing love. I fully agree with you.

    Yvonne

  5. Oh Tracy this was beautiful! As is your daughter – Happy Birthday to her. Being a mum is the best and most precious (yet at times frustratingly annoying) thing that can happen to a woman. When my eldest starts a family I asked if I could be by her side on in the same room, she has said yes, but I think her mind will change. 😦 Having your first grandchild – how brilliant – you seem a wonder and caring mum and you make an equally caring loving grandmother/nanna. 🙂

  6. annewoodman says:

    Tracy, Happy birthday to your oldest daughter! And congratulations on almost being a grandma!

    I think many parents would feel exactly as you did with an unexpected pregnancy and your own baby… we, of course, want the very best for our children, and when they choose more difficult paths, I think we already know, more than they do, how much pain and struggle they may encounter. We don’t want that for them!

    But that being said, a new person is coming into the world! And he will be your little special one to pamper and cherish in a whole new way. How very exciting.

    One of my friends who was pregnant with her second child when I was pregnant with my first, said that the experience of becoming a parent was like walking around in the world with your heart completely exposed… your internal organs all out there, separate from you. She said she had never felt so vulnerable. I completely concur. And I wouldn’t change it for anything. ; )

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