Did you check the doors?

Ok, so I’m going to have a little rant today and that’s because I’m still a little grumpy with dear husband because he did something the other day that was dishonest.
See, I had this very open and sincere conversation with him in the car recently, on the way home from visiting with family and our very highly, nine month, ready to burst, pregnant daughter.

My husband’s stomach measured the same in diameter as hers!
This concerns me greatly and has for some time, because especially for men, having fat around the belly is like carrying a heart attack around your waist!
So I said…”Please, I am concerned for your health. I’m asking you seriously, no more jokes about rubbing Buddha’s belly, or beached whales, or “is it crowning yet….push!!!…..Please, lose some weight because I want you around for many more years.”

“Ok darling….I will.” he promised.

And then, yesterday I walked into his office and I noticed, as wives do, that it appeared he was hiding something on his lap there under his desk.
It wasn’t half obvious because suddenly he sat bolt upright, pushed his chair right in, and looked stiff as a board, staring intently at his computer screen.
And then I saw it…..
There on his lap, a huge, long as a tree branch….. NOUGAT BAR laying across his lap!

This is my husband’s idea of a diet? Eating healthy? Cutting down?
Sneaky sod!

So, my rant is going to be about him today, because I’m mad.

One of the (many) things that bugs me about my other half is that he never locks the house up at night.
Now call me old fashioned but I feel that it’s the man of the house’s job to ensure that he protects the safety of his precious loved ones, his wife and children, by doing that last round of checking windows and doors before we all retire for the night.
It’s not really even that I feel it’s his SOLE job, because it should be shared, but I feel that HE should be the one to do the LAST check of the night. Most of the time he is the last one to come to bed, therefore it’s only right that he does the last round.
You know….just because he loves us dearly and wouldn’t want any harm to come to any of us by way of some crazed stranger entering our home in the middle of the night?

My husband may as well stick a sign on the front lawn that says “Come hither all ye criminals. The dooreth is wide open for thou easy access to thine castle. Feel free-eth to enter this domain and take, for thine own, all our-eth earthly possessions!”
This is because the front door IS, literally wide open!
Not just unlocked but completely OPEN.
Not only have I discovered this, but other doors are wide open too.
His office window…..wide open…
Why do we even bother with walls?
Let’s just move out onto the front lawn why don’t we?

It irks me big time!
Ok, so we may live in a pretty quiet neighbourhood, but still! You just don’t go to bed with the whole house flung open.

When I’ve complained about the back doors being left open he argues…
“The dogs are out there!”
So?
One blind dog who half the time appears deaf too,….one half blind dog who would run and cower in a corner somewhere…IF he were to wake up at all, because like my husband, he snores like a freight train too.
So who’s going to hear?
My husband sleeps like the dead. Once I manage to fall asleep I must too, and his snoring would blanket any other sounds coming from the rest of the house.
And it’s not like an intruder is going to turn up with a marching band, shooting cannons, setting off fireworks…..”Here I am! I’ve arrived! Come to steal your stuff, rape your wife, abduct your kids..Hello! Is anyone still sleeping in there?”

A robber is going to be very practised in the art of being stealthy.
It’s their JOB to be as silent as possible.
A comatose snoring dog would not present too much of a problem, especially if the door is already WIDE OPEN!
Sheesh!

I just don’t understand, because we’ve been robbed before!
Ok, so we weren’t there IN the house, but someone had been watching our pattern, and took the opportunity to come in through…hello, an unlocked window!
My husband should realise that robbers are just as lazy as he is.
Why go to the trouble of actually exerting energy “breaking in?” when they can just look for the lazy ass home owners who can’t be bothered locking up properly!

And does my husband think all these crime shows we watch at night before bed are purely fictional entertainment?
Shows like “I survived” and “Crime investigation Australia?”
It doesn’t just happen in America.
We have serial killers too.
Rapists…
Drug addled robbers.

Not only that….get this, before we moved in here my friend thought it was best to warn us that there had been an incident here some years ago where a person in the neighbourhood….God, this is horrible, he….was discovered standing under her daughters window, masturbating!
Can you imagine?
He ran off and nothing could ever be proved, but apparently he still lives here!

So, this is serious business.
Check the freakin’ doors ,save those two by four bloody nougat bars to use as weapons of defense against the loonies, and lose some weight so you don’t have a heart attack valiantly defending your beloved precious family.

And if you’re reading my blog today at work.
It’s lentils for dinner.
And you have to do twenty star jumps, first.

Edit post – It was brought to my attention that it’s valentines day, so I suppose lentils won’t do.
Ok, so it’s soup.
Tonight we can watch an action movie, and I promise I’ll fast forward through the smooshy, kissy kissy nonsense that annoys you so much. Better when people are punching each other in the face.
Thanks for the roses, didn’t need the chocolate anyway.
I love you.

PS, you forgot to change the litter tray.