I decided that as of New Years Day, I would begin a healthy eating plan. Note – not a “diet” because that is guaranteed to fail. Just the mere “D” word sends my fat cells into a major hyperventilating panic attack.
I never had to worry about weight issues back when I was full on into the whole childbearing, populating the world mode. In fact pregnancy was my weight loss program. I was one of those women most other mothers love to hate. I barely gained any weight during pregnancy and afterwards my belly sprung nicely back into shape and breastfeeding was sure to strip me of even MORE weight, so I came out the other end probably thinner than I was pre pregnancy.
Please don’t burn me on the stake, I was just extremely lucky.
Then my husband had a vasectomy – poof, there went my weight loss program. (Happy now?)
If only I could find something to breast feed.
So, I guess this is what they call middle aged spread.
Nothing at all to do with the spread of chocolates I’ve been avidly devouring ever since my hormones have gone whacky, or giving up smoking and alcohol, or whatever it damn well is that has happened to me to have caused me to crave sugar like some sort of insatiable sucrose monster.
Also my husband is a fantastic cook and he lives to eat…and thinks he is preparing food for an army.
His servings defy belief. (It’s not normal to sweat while you eat- which is what he does. Marathon eating is his sport of choice.)
I hate exercise too. I’m just not sporty, I’m creative! You can’t exactly do star jumps while pouring candles.
It’s been with some delusion that I’ve been sitting here on my bum eating copious amounts of chocolate wondering what on earth is medically WRONG with me – (googling all sorts of thyroid conditions) to be gaining weight.
Oh, I see…you actually have to MOVE?
You mean typing blog posts while munching on a maltesers isn’t the best thing for weight loss?
Typing doesn’t burn any calories….at all? You sure?
I did take up belly dancing for a time there. It was enjoyable FUN exercise, at least. Well, once I finally got used to the sensation of all my bits wibbling and shimmying all over the place. Hey, at least I was moving them!
So anyway, we got a new juicer for Christmas and my health nut- now seventeen year old daughter decided that her and I should go on a liver detox juice diet. Not that she has anything to detox or LOSE.
Makes me sick that I should give birth to this impossibly tall, legs up to her armpits, not an ounce of fat on her body, but with boobs the size of mine, extremely attractive blonde minx.
People look at the two of us together – me this little curvaceous midget and her like a towering svelte cat walk model and say “How on earth did YOU… make THAT?”
By the way, my daughter is like a living walking conscience.
She follows me around everywhere telling me just how many calories are in that, how much saturated fat, and that a piece of fruit would be a “much better choice mother”. To the point where over Christmas I just wanted to reach up and strangle her.
Just let me be festively gluttonous like the rest of the population would ya!
We’ve never had a fancy fandangle juicer (The Juice Master kind) before, so I approached this idea of a juice detox with some trepidation, but enthusiasm none the less.
After all this was going to cleanse my system, purge me of all toxins and prepare my body for this healthy eating plan, right?
So the first breakfast juice we had was bile.
I swear to God, if I’d closed my eyes to ignore the weird reddish,purplish, colour it was I would have been absolutely certain that I was drinking that sour stuff that comes up in your mouth and makes your eyes water, when you’re suffering from bad heartburn.
We had to have this for breakfast AND lunch, mind you. A whole huge glass of it.
Would you like some ice with your bile?
I’m sorry but raw beetroot, broccoli, cucumber, celery, lemon -with the rind ON, capsicum, and apple does NOT maketh the taste buds jump for joy. In fact they ran squealing right down my gullet and hid trembling in fear somewhere in the recesses of my bowel.
We had to drink that stuff of nightmares TWICE, with nothing else in-between.
I’ve come to the conclusion that these juice diets DO actually make you lose weight though and that’s due to the pain in the butt, extremely long and involved PROCESS it takes…the peeling, the chopping, the de seeding, the insertion and grinding, the standing round waiting for the juice to completely drip out into the receiving juice jug….THEN the taking apart of the contraption and careful washing of each separate component….THEN the reassembling of all the jigsaw puzzle parts, which exercises’ not only the body but the brain as well.
What an ordeal…..for one piddly cup of horror.
I developed a terrible headache throughout the course of the day, probably partly due to caffeine withdrawal, or just stress, I don’t know.
By mid afternoon I couldn’t move…was lethargic, confused, and farting a lot.
My stomach was eating itself…aided by the gallons of surplus bile I’d emptied into it.
Our afternoon juice was yet more raw beetroot, celery and lemon – with the skin on….on ice. A cheek puckering…delight.
We were all camped out in the lounge watching a Survivor marathon (Survivor Philippines.) and I was positively salivating over their rice and beans diet.
*I* was ready to behead and eat a praying mantis!
“I can’t DO this!” I wailed to my daughter.
Not only that, my stomach was going into fits of revulsion readying itself for the onslaught of the dinner juice, which also threw avocado into the ghastly bile mix. Avocado, can you believe it? What sort of drugs was the person who came up with this juice detox ON?
The thought of puking up all that purple all over the carpet was a not so unrealistic scenario.
I felt SICK.
Trembling, uncoordinated and sick.
….and farting a lot.
So….after not even a full day, I threw in the towel.
Yeah yeah….I’m a wimp, a coward, call me what you want but I need to CHEW something!
I cooked brown rice and onions for dinner and it was DELICIOUS!
I’m not going to do this ever again.
We already have three of the best detoxifying organs nature could have come up with – the kidneys and liver….and the gall bladder already makes its OWN bile.
A sensible eating plan is all that’s needed…and moving a little bit helps too.
I’ll still juice…but choose less ghastly concoctions.
Maybe I’ll get back to belly dancing this year.
There’s certainly enough of me to wibble.
So this was my start to 2013.
I sincerely hope yours was tastier.