A juicy horror story.

beetroot juice

I decided that as of New Years Day, I would begin a healthy eating plan. Note – not a “diet” because that is guaranteed to fail. Just the mere “D” word sends my fat cells into a major hyperventilating panic attack.

I never had to worry about weight issues back when I was full on into the whole childbearing, populating the world mode. In fact pregnancy was my weight loss program. I was one of those women most other mothers love to hate. I barely gained any weight during pregnancy and afterwards my belly sprung nicely back into shape and breastfeeding was sure to strip me of even MORE weight, so I came out the other end probably thinner than I was pre pregnancy.
Please don’t burn me on the stake, I was just extremely lucky.
Then my husband had a vasectomy – poof, there went my weight loss program. (Happy now?)
If only I could find something to breast feed.

So, I guess this is what they call middle aged spread.
Nothing at all to do with the spread of chocolates I’ve been avidly devouring ever since my hormones have gone whacky, or giving up smoking and alcohol, or whatever it damn well is that has happened to me to have caused me to crave sugar like some sort of insatiable sucrose monster.
Also my husband is a fantastic cook and he lives to eat…and thinks he is preparing food for an army.
His servings defy belief. (It’s not normal to sweat while you eat- which is what he does. Marathon eating is his sport of choice.)

I hate exercise too. I’m just not sporty, I’m creative! You can’t exactly do star jumps while pouring candles.
It’s been with some delusion that I’ve been sitting here on my bum eating copious amounts of chocolate wondering what on earth is medically WRONG with me – (googling all sorts of thyroid conditions) to be gaining weight.
Oh, I see…you actually have to MOVE?
You mean typing blog posts while munching on a maltesers isn’t the best thing for weight loss?
Typing doesn’t burn any calories….at all? You sure?

I did take up belly dancing for a time there. It was enjoyable FUN exercise, at least. Well, once I finally got used to the sensation of all my bits wibbling and shimmying all over the place. Hey, at least I was moving them!

So anyway, we got a new juicer for Christmas and my health nut- now seventeen year old daughter decided that her and I should go on a liver detox juice diet. Not that she has anything to detox or LOSE.
Makes me sick that I should give birth to this impossibly tall, legs up to her armpits, not an ounce of fat on her body, but with boobs the size of mine, extremely attractive blonde minx.
People look at the two of us together – me this little curvaceous midget and her like a towering svelte cat walk model and say “How on earth did YOU… make THAT?”

By the way, my daughter is like a living walking conscience.
She follows me around everywhere telling me just how many calories are in that, how much saturated fat, and that a piece of fruit would be a “much better choice mother”. To the point where over Christmas I just wanted to reach up and strangle her.
Just let me be festively gluttonous like the rest of the population would ya!

We’ve never had a fancy fandangle juicer (The Juice Master kind) before, so I approached this idea of a juice detox with some trepidation, but enthusiasm none the less.
After all this was going to cleanse my system, purge me of all toxins and prepare my body for this healthy eating plan, right?

So the first breakfast juice we had was bile.
I swear to God, if I’d closed my eyes to ignore the weird reddish,purplish, colour it was I would have been absolutely certain that I was drinking that sour stuff that comes up in your mouth and makes your eyes water, when you’re suffering from bad heartburn.

We had to have this for breakfast AND lunch, mind you. A whole huge glass of it.
Would you like some ice with your bile?
I’m sorry but raw beetroot, broccoli, cucumber, celery, lemon -with the rind ON, capsicum, and apple does NOT maketh the taste buds jump for joy. In fact they ran squealing right down my gullet and hid trembling in fear somewhere in the recesses of my bowel.
We had to drink that stuff of nightmares TWICE, with nothing else in-between.

I’ve come to the conclusion that these juice diets DO actually make you lose weight though and that’s due to the pain in the butt, extremely long and involved PROCESS it takes…the peeling, the chopping, the de seeding, the insertion and grinding, the standing round waiting for the juice to completely drip out into the receiving juice jug….THEN the taking apart of the contraption and careful washing of each separate component….THEN the reassembling of all the jigsaw puzzle parts, which exercises’ not only the body but the brain as well.
What an ordeal…..for one piddly cup of horror.

I developed a terrible headache throughout the course of the day, probably partly due to caffeine withdrawal, or just stress, I don’t know.
By mid afternoon I couldn’t move…was lethargic, confused, and farting a lot.

My stomach was eating itself…aided by the gallons of surplus bile I’d emptied into it.
Our afternoon juice was yet more raw beetroot, celery and lemon – with the skin on….on ice. A cheek puckering…delight.
We were all camped out in the lounge watching a Survivor marathon (Survivor Philippines.) and I was positively salivating over their rice and beans diet.
*I* was ready to behead and eat a praying mantis!

“I can’t DO this!” I wailed to my daughter.
Not only that, my stomach was going into fits of revulsion readying itself for the onslaught of the dinner juice, which also threw avocado into the ghastly bile mix. Avocado, can you believe it? What sort of drugs was the person who came up with this juice detox ON?

The thought of puking up all that purple all over the carpet was a not so unrealistic scenario.
I felt SICK.
Trembling, uncoordinated and sick.
….and farting a lot.

So….after not even a full day, I threw in the towel.
Yeah yeah….I’m a wimp, a coward, call me what you want but I need to CHEW something!
I cooked brown rice and onions for dinner and it was DELICIOUS!
I’m not going to do this ever again.
It’s stupid.
We already have three of the best detoxifying organs nature could have come up with – the kidneys and liver….and the gall bladder already makes its OWN bile.
A sensible eating plan is all that’s needed…and moving a little bit helps too.

I’ll still juice…but choose less ghastly concoctions.
Maybe I’ll get back to belly dancing this year.
There’s certainly enough of me to wibble.

So this was my start to 2013.
I sincerely hope yours was tastier.

About Tracy Lundgren

I am a people watcher,life observer, nature lover, spiritual seeker loving this crazy wild ride that life is taking me on. I am still a blank piece of paper waiting to be filled and that is good.
This entry was posted in Body image, Christmas, Diet, Family, Food, Getting older, happiness, hormones, Humour, husbands, Life, Perimenopause, teenagers and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

30 Responses to A juicy horror story.

  1. Hey good luck with the juice thing…I find just drinking juice for a day or so here, and there is actually quite refreshing!

    • desertrose7 says:

      I could do the juice thing for lunch, but breakfast and dinner have to be more substantial. I reckon the whole three meals a day thing is not a natural way to eat anyway. Grazing on small amounts frequently (as long as it’s healthy stuff) I reckon is the way to go. We eat too much meat but my husband runs shrieking if I suggest anything vegetarian. I think he’s going to have to just cook for himself! 😉

  2. Adam S says:

    “I swear to God, if I’d closed my eyes to ignore the weird reddish,purplish, colour it was I would have been absolutely certain that I was drinking that sour stuff that comes up in your mouth and makes your eyes water, when you’re suffering from bad heartburn.”

    Thank you SO much for that! I could taste it as I was reading. God that’s the worst…

  3. That was a multi-sensory thriller! Like Adam, I could almost taste every word and it was delightfully foul. Including the knife-cutting air emissions. You are so right, avocado should not be juiced, it is just wrong. I, too, have the walking, talking how-did-a-tubby-wibbly-midget-like-you-produce-a-super-model-like-that daughter (mine is brunette) who likes to act like a spare conscience. She, however, has not discovered calorie counting and just has a go at me about my need for that extra glass of wine with dinner. I also have the saliva-inducing-marathon-eating-as-sport pseudo-chef husband. I’m sticking with hot sweaty kinky sex as my exercise of choice in 2013, mostly because it embarrasses the hell out of the kids, however, I am behind the 8-ball here since I never bounced back from pregnancy, I just bounced. So make that bouncy, hot, sweaty, kinky sex.

    • desertrose7 says:

      Aha yeah….I was accused of being drunk by said spare conscience on Christmas day because I was laughing. (I do imbibe occasionally, especially in the laughter department.)
      And yep, any allusion to a sex life sure as heck sends the teenagers scattering (or vomiting).

      • Loved this so much that I pressed it and have put up a link to your awesome music on my blog. Love it – from one muso to another.

      • desertrose7 says:

        Thanks so much Sasha. 🙂 What do you play? I’m trying desperately to catch up with everyones blogging here, and get to know new bloggers such as yourself, but my darn internet keeps slowing down to next to nothing – won’t even load pages. I’ll be sure to take a nosy round your site once things speed up to something a little more normal round here.

      • Once upon a time I used to sing professionally, covers, jazz, tv backing vocalist (I have a startling repertoire of ooh and aah) even made the NZ country music book of fame one year! I know right? I muck around on piano, give amateur guitarists everywhere a good name and was even once known to completely destroy anyone’s love of saxophone. SuperGeek and I met in a band – he plays trumpet but ended up being my sound engineer. We have the recording studio in our house and I promise myself that one day I will do some more recording but always put it off. Anyway, love your work and wanted to spread the love….:)

      • desertrose7 says:

        Very cool Sasha. Do you have any of your music/singing up online anywhere?
        Hey, my hubby was a bass player….and sound engineer. He used to mix all my songs but got frustrated with my recording process ( a mess) so I just fumble my way though it now.
        You should record! Go for it. The Muse’s muse is a good forum for songwriters.

  4. Pingback: A juicy horror story. « Fifty Shades of Tribute

  5. Miriam E. says:

    i am sure your husband could be persuaded to let you brest feed him… after all, he loves to eat and – well, boobs! it’s gotta work…

  6. I am FAT!!! My children made me this way before them I was slim…. I tried the Detox diet and I lasted a day. Someone said if you can last 3 days your fine… I was ready for suicide after the second liquid lunch. Our recipes were pretty good but Not FOOD! I need HOT HOT dinners… I HATE cold foods…. OH WELL I’m just trying to eat healthier. Soups and salads for dinners. As time consuming as juicing but fresh soup and salad dressings are SOOO much yummier!!! Good Luck!!!

    • desertrose7 says:

      I LOVE soups Jasmine. Could eat soup all day long. It’s summer here though so I don’t know how that would go down with the rest of the hungry hoards.
      Salads….hmmmm…I prefer lashings of cooked veggies instead of salads, so maybe I’m a bit like you too, liking it HOT 🙂
      Speaking of hot….I love curries, indian food. Chilli is supposed to be a great metabolism booster.
      Eating healthier is the way anyway. It’s not about weight as such for me, but health. I had a scare a while back with through the roof triglycerides.

  7. sethsnap says:

    Your stories make me laugh! I think because I feel what you are saying. I tried the Dukan diet and only made it two days. Todd said I was too grouchy to continue on it! 🙂

    • desertrose7 says:

      I haven’t heard of the Dukan diet. Don’t think I want to, lol! That’s the thing. There are too many of these torture diets out there.
      It comes down to common sense really. Eat less move more. The only thing that TRULY works….and eat more of the low GI stuff so you can go longer and feel more satisfied.
      Glad I can make you laugh anyway 🙂

  8. Screw those healthy people, I don’t even know how I got myself surrounded by them. Everyday since Christmas I swear I have been steadily devouring a BOX of chocolate every single day because my mother decided to splurge on some wonderfully fattening holiday spell in the states. If you feel bad, eat twice the amount of fruit afterwards. Either way , you devour three times as much the calorie as you need. DIets from the expert. (:

    • desertrose7 says:

      You and I could get ourselves into some serious trouble if we were sitting on the same couch with all those boxes of chocolate. My mother did the same thing. Brought us enough chocolate to kill five people.
      I like the idea of having one “bad” day a week. A day when you can just eat what you want! I might try that.

      • I like to tell myself I’m splitting my ‘good day’ amongst all the bad daysss , therefore I never really have a ‘bad day’ (; and yes , sadly, everybody is waiting until my metabolism dies before I do ..

  9. Wibble …wabble I am sure you aren’t that bad 🙂 I haven’t tried the ‘juices’ I just eat fruit during the day and sometimes dinner. Yes I am obsessed with WP and writing so food…pffft no thanks in the middle of something…but you have to eat…nope I live on words…can you try eating them the reply… Hmm thanks very much hun – ok make me some toast!
    Loved the post DR.

    • Forgot to mention I have a pig-out- day on the weekend, well I have dinner and sometimes oh dear god chocolate! Then during the week it’s pull the horns in again…oh to be Miranda Kerr 😦

      • desertrose7 says:

        I’m about to have a two week pig out when we leave next week for our holiday, which is part of the motivation to, well….make room for the calorie loaded indulgences I’m SURE we’ll enjoy 🙂
        Glad to meet another chocoholic.
        “My name is Tracy and I’m an addict.”

      • My name is Jen I’m an addict of so many things! 🙂

        Have a wonderful time, I am sure you will have a ball. Eating over there isn’t fattening – you’ll be fine 🙂

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