Sweaty woman ranting.

When people say “Oh I loooove summer!” I just want to punch them.
Why? Tell me why?
What is so damned good about sweat mustaches, having to make sure your armpits and legs are constantly shaved so you can wear as little clothing as possible, therefore risking sunburn, when it’s 40 damned nightmarish degree’s, and if you could you would remove your skin, just to feel a little cooler…
Nights of tossing and turning, arguing with your spouse that “I don’t care about the ludicrously high electricity bill, I am sleeping with the air con ON!”
Tempers are frayed, gardens need ten times the amount of watering, food is unappetizing, insects are multiplying rapidly everywhere (I’m over Christmas beetles crunching under my bare feet!)
The light is so harsh…it makes my eyeballs melt. I wear my sunglasses to bed Corey Hart!
I sweat….HEAR ME ROAR.
I freaking hate summer!

Seriously. If all you do is go to the beach, then I can understand why you “love” summer. (But I still want to punch you.)
I don’t swim in the ocean. There are too many things in our oceans here that can kill you, or eat you, or at least give you a heart attack thinking it can either kill you or eat you. Dark clouds of seaweed lurking under the waves will do that.
I was once “bumped” by something large under the water (No it wasn’t a giant turd in the Bondi surf) ever since then I’ve decided I’d rather not venture into the territory of things that go bump, which might also have very big teeth that go BITE….thankyouverymuch.
No…shell collecting is about my adventure point on the beach, and even then, in some parts, some damn shells can KILL you.

So for me, summer means many long days of lots of bitching and moaning as I hibernate inside my self made cave – windows closed, blinds shut, fans on high, nibbling listlessly on lettuce leaves and praying for cool afternoon changes so I can once again BREATHE.
More so than that…..dreaming of winter, and long pants so I don’t have to bother with shaving my legs.

My daughter came home from school the other day and told me that her art teacher had worn a short dress to school that day. Mid thigh length. The bottom half of her legs were nicely shaved…
She said “But Mum…she had long luscious thigh hair. I’ve never seen anything like it. It was like black monkey hair. All the kids were pointing and whispering.”
Poor woman.
I’d stop at the knee’s too if I had that much hair.

It’s a pain in the neck shaving your legs! Literally sometimes.
Somehow I always manage to cut myself and we don’t have a built in bath in this house that I can safely perch myself on the edge of (It’s a fancy claw-foot tub and I don’t want to sit on the edge of IT – and fall backwards and break my neck.)
So I’ve been trying to figure out how to shave my legs in the shower.
Is there some trick to shaving your legs in the shower ladies?
Is it even possible, without actually sitting on the shower floor?
I get dizzy bending over and there are pendulous…things, blocking my view.
Ok, too much information.
Showers should have a “leg shaving ledge” in them. Somewhere to prop your foot on so you don’t have to bend right over and risk passing out from steam inhalation and increased blood flow to the brain. Or risk knocking yourself out with large pendulous…things.

That Christmas falls in the middle of this disgusting state of affairs is something that upsets me greatly, each and every year.
I love Christmas! I really do, but my sense of enjoyment of this festive time is rudely interrupted by the reality that no…there will be no snow. No snowmen. No sleigh rides, no sleigh bells…Just the incessant deafening shrill of cicada’s.
No woolen stockings strung from the cosy mantle… There is no COSY at all, unless you count the sweat dribbling between your buttocks. No roaring fireplaces… Just the sirens as fire trucks race to yet another raging out of control bushfire.
There is no warm scent of cinnamon, and nutmeg and all those wonderful Christmas spices….there is the smell of bushfire smoke in the air.
Mango’s and bushfire smoke, are what OUR Christmas smells like. And stinky sweaty bodies….and Aeroguard, to keep the mozzies away.

It’s depressing. How can one get in the Christmas Spirit, when you’ve just sweat it all out just walking around the supermarket aisles? (You’ll find me resting in the freezer aisle.)
How can one have Christmas cheer, when you have to face the torturous twisted task of contorting yourself like a freak in the shower at least every other day to shave away all that monkey leg hair?
How can one be MERRY when you’re suffering from lack of sleep, an overload of BBQ’s and inhaled flies, with dots of calamine lotion all over your exposed parts from being eaten alive by mosquito’s.

The Christmas cards LIE.
Christmas is an illusion. Something people in far away beautiful snow glistening countries that don’t own flies or mozzies, only experience.
We just play pretend here while we roast, and sweat, eat flies, slap our selves silly swatting at mosquito’s and slice our legs shaving!

I’m dreaming of…. another hemisphere, and long luscious monkey hair up to my armpits that I need never have to shave.

About Tracy Lundgren

I am a people watcher,life observer, nature lover, spiritual seeker loving this crazy wild ride that life is taking me on. I am still a blank piece of paper waiting to be filled and that is good.
This entry was posted in Australia, Christmas, Getting older, Humour, Life and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

11 Responses to Sweaty woman ranting.

  1. Miriam E. says:

    thumbs up for the ‘leg shaving ledge’… i definitely want one.

  2. Haha my thoughts exactly when all the girl wishes for summer! Does nobody else just act like mother nature is with them constantly ?

    Condolences for the heat. Fortunately mine is just cold and wet. Not christmasy, but I’ll take it.

  3. Dan says:

    “When people say “Oh I loooove summer!” I just want to punch them.”

    😯 I’m glad I’m in the, ah, … other hemisphere. 😛

    As for the mosquitoes I have to say that they’re really not a problem here on the Gulf Coast, at least the central part of the coast. They were much much worse up on the East Coast, NY, NJ, where I used to live.
    By your descriptions it sounds as though they could pick you up and haul you away.

    And “… long luscious thigh hair …”. 😯
    Sounds like it would be a good skit from a National Lampoon movie. Maybe I missed that one.

    Here is your solution for a “leg shaving ledge”.

    I believe it is even sturdy enough to hold your “… large pendulous…” parts. 😛

    Just bought myself an early Christmas present and played it last night.
    Not as exciting as my Huffy Convertible but very informative an entertaining indeed.

    So madam, just in case you are not exaggerating too much, perhaps you should have a listen to BOTH.
    Oh, and Merry Christmas from the comfortable confines of Florida (at this time of the year) 😕 :P.

    and a pretty good cover,

    • desertrose7 says:

      I don’t know. That shower stool thing looks like something for toddlers, with hidey holes to poke their vegetables.
      I can learn to be still. Flat out on the bed with the overhead fan on high praying for winter to hurry up and blow all this ghastliness back to hell, from whence it came.

  4. Adam S says:

    It never even occurred to me that it’s summer down under?! What are the temps right now? Have you ever seen snow during Christmas? This is not registering right now!!

    • desertrose7 says:

      Of course it’s not registering for you right now. You’re probably all cosy and rugged up, sipping hot cocoa and warming your hands in front of a raging fire somewhere? Aggghh, I’m so jealous!
      Temperatures have been 100 degree’s plus on some days ALREADY. Today is a welcome relief after stinking hot days and suffocating humidity. I swear I’m getting all mouldy here!
      Never seen snow at Christmas no. 😦 Only in movies and Christmas cards.
      For now I will periodically stick my face in the freezer and dream.
      (My husband IS making noises though about “maybe” going to the US next Christmas. We’ll see….Got to sell a heck of a lot of candles to afford that!)

      • Adam S says:

        Actually, we haven’t even had any snow here yet. It’s been nothing but foggy mornings and mild *50’s*. Maybe the global warming thing is real?

        I can’t imagine a hot Christmas. That just sounds weird…If you do decide to come to the U.S. for Christmas, make sure you visit one of the Northern States if you wanna see snow!

      • desertrose7 says:

        I can’t believe it. WordPress is mocking me. There are tiny little falling snowflakes dancing across the page as I type this…unless I’m seeing things.

        You don’t want to imagine a HOT Christmas. It’s really no fun, though some may disagree, but it’s certainly not my thing.
        I feel sorry for all the Santa’s running around in their very hot suits. Must be torture. Aussie Santa’s should be allowed to wear red singlet tops, shorts and red flip flops. (Or as we call them – thongs…but that wouldn’t sound right to you, lol!)

        We certainly will try for one of the Northern states. Anywhere where it’s cool though would be fantastic!

      • Adam S says:

        I can’t even imagine haha! I don’t even like wearing a t-shirt when it’s in the 100’s.

        By the way, I’m glad you said something about the little snowflakes. I thought I was hallucinating myself!

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