The God cat is hungry!

Seriously,are we ever gonna eat?

Eating lizards makes cats puke, so I have come to understand.
So does grass, but apparently this is not half as much fun.
Either the God cat doesn’t understand that lizards will result in some serious puking, or perhaps he just enjoys chowing them down and vomiting the interesting results on my front door mat?
I say “interesting’ because what comes up with the bits of undigested lizards are things that look like sausages. Hair sausages, not hair “balls”.
Hair BALLS are a myth, unless they are dangling off your cats backside.

On the odd occasion he will sometimes stand outside the front door and do that thing cats do when they bring home a “catch”.
It’s an unmistakable guttural, almost seal like yeowly meow, and you just KNOW something unpleasant awaits on the other side of the door.
The God cat is very insistent when he does this – he lets the whole neighbourhood know, and doesn’t quit, until he has proudly shown you what he’s caught.
The noise he makes has me expecting the worst…like maybe he’s wrestling with a Komodo dragon out there on the porch.
But no, it’s just a tiny weeny skink.
Hardly worth getting off the couch for.

What am I expected to do when the God cat brings me home these “gifts” ? I’ve never understood the message he is trying to give me.
I mean they are not really gifts for ME anyway, are they? Not when he scoffs them down himself.
I don’t think cats are in the habit of sharing, so it’s not like we’ll sit down and chew on a bit of lizard together?
So what is all the damn fuss about?

Is it a cats way of showing you what a great hunter/provider they are to the family?
“See my skill? My glorious strength and great cunning. Bow to me you lowly humans for I am mighty!”

A warning? “This is what will happen to you if you dare present me with that no name rubbish cat food again – AND I’ll spit you out on the mat too!”
Is he trying to teach us something?
“See…food should wriggle, not slop out of a tin can. Feed me something decent for Christ sakes!”

The God cat can eat. My goodness can he eat!
He lives to eat.
Every night he carries on and on, driving us all nuts until someone feeds him. Poor starving animal. That belly which flops from side to side when he runs is nearly touching the floor these days. A sure sign of malnutrition.

While dogs, when hungry, will sit patiently looking at you with those pleading eyes, drool spilling from the corner of their mouth, tails wagging hopefully…Cats on the other hand, throw themselves about, try to trip you over by weaving through your legs, head butt your face, and SCREAM “Feed me NOW, or I will make life a living hell!”

I don’t understand why for the past few months every night after we’ve fed him, the God cat will stalk out of the laundry and start doing the yeowly meow thing?
He hasn’t caught anything? There’s nothing to show us?
Is this his way of saying thanks, or – “Hear my lizard cry? This shit makes me feel like puking too!”

You have to watch the God cat because he is very stealthy and will snavel things with a deft swipe of the paw right off your plate, if the opportunity presents itself.
Doesn’t matter what it is, even broccoli, which he apparently loves.
What cat eats vegetables? Beans, peas, cauliflower?
It’s weird. I mean it’s not like cats go hunting in the bush for feral broccoli?

It is impossible to curtail a cats natural hunting instinct. They are simply driven to hunt, even when they know they have a regular food source (even if they think it’s crap)
My ankles know this, because they are a prime target, especially when I wear long swishy skirts.
This is perfect for the “crouched under the dining table ambush” tactic.
It never fails to give me a heart attack and I think if cats could laugh, this is what they’re doing (on the inside anyway- cacking themselves actually) every time this little prank is skillfully executed.

Don’t even dare move your feet in bed. This brings on the automatic, with eyes like giant saucers, pouncing response.

You see this face? Beware, great pain shall follow.

The God cat actually bit my husbands toe the other night, and although it took a long time in coming, he deserved it!
That’s what you get when you stir the God cat up into a frenzy – big toe revenge!

We love all animals, great and small, and respect the wildlife, so we do try to minimize, as best we can this hunting instinct that we know the God cat was born with.
He’s kept inside at night because we know from experience what terrible things can happen if he escapes into that dark wonderland of nocturnal delights.

The most devastating experience we had one night, when a door was accidentally left open, was that I’m sad to say, the God cat caught and killed a baby possum.
He brought it in, to show us, doing the yeowly meow thing- we had no idea what it was, at first because all we could see were the huge ears.
My son was first on the scene, and called out to me from the kitchen in shock.

“Muuuuum! Quick…the cats eating a Chihuahua!”

Thank goodness it’s only lizards these days.

About Tracy Lundgren

I am a people watcher,life observer, nature lover, spiritual seeker loving this crazy wild ride that life is taking me on. I am still a blank piece of paper waiting to be filled and that is good.
This entry was posted in Cats, Children, Humour, Pets, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s