Fear.

The other day a friend of mine mentioned that she’d been to a garage sale and the people who were having the sale told her that they were selling EVERYTHING as they had decided to pursue their dream of traveling around Australia. They planned to find work along the way taking nothing but themselves and their car and camper trailer.
I commented that these were brave people, to do that. Take the risk, take that plunge into the unknown.
If I’m honest, I also felt a little envious because this is exactly what I’ve always wanted to do.
Just be free….be a gypsy on the road. No ties, no roots, just travel, meet amazing people, see amazing things. (Discover amazing things within myself?)

My husband and I have always talked about it, fantasized about it.
There’s always been reasons why we “can’t do it” though.
The kids of course being a major reason. Would it be fair to them, to live such a nomadic life. What about their education? We have responsibilities to them.
A part of me whispers “Yeah, but what an experience for them? What life lessons would they learn along the way?”

Then there’s the animals of course, which we always seem to collect. Our blind dog would NOT do well. Both dogs are getting on in years…. What if they needed a vet?
What about my daughters birds?
Silly, silly! It would be impossible to do WITH animals, but impossible to what….find homes for them?
Never.
And of course, as always, that necessary evil. What about money?

I can talk myself out of anything and I always do, because basically I’m a coward, and I hate that about myself.
(I’ve come back to edit this because really I am judging myself harshly by saying the above. I’m actually very brave when I think about it, to have conquered some overwhelming very real fears that stem from an anxiety disorder triggered by a stupid Marijuana smoking incident as a teenager (I will blog about this!)
Also, I’ve been conditioned by my mother, to find fear (even where fear shouldn’t be!) It’s not her fault, she led a terrible childhood with really awful experiences, so I understand and forgive her for transferring some of her “baggage” onto me.
I don’t want to do the same to my kids. At least, I try not to, where it really counts.)

It’s not that I’m the sort of person who likes to conform to what society deems as “normal”.
I don’t understand people who grow up from childhood in one suburb and live in that same place (not just physically, but probably spiritually also) their whole entire lives.
I mean, there are people like that who just never venture out of their comfort zones, ever.
The same suburb, the same job, the same friends, the same barbeques every summer….BORING!
I could never be that way.
I/we like to move around.
We don’t want the responsibility of being tied down to owning our own house, even if we could afford to we wouldn’t. I would feel claustrophobic being forced to stay in one place.

But, I am a coward.
I’m afraid of taking risks…..like selling everything and just taking off into the unknown, like those people.
But I WANT to…
I am torn.

This is what stops people from really living – fear.
Ultimately that’s what it is.
I believe that if you truly want something badly enough there ARE no obstacles, only fear.
That is the only hurdle you truly have to overcome.
I really do believe that, and how many people are living lives right now, unsatisfying lives, mundane, “safe” lives, simply because of fear?

You only have to look , read, hear of people who choose NOT to be bound by fear and it’s obvious that it is possible. Of course it is possible. Anything is possible if you have the drive, the ambition – the direction.
Everything begins with a single thought.

It’s funny how life is.
It’s like a tangled road map.
One turn to the left and you’ll be taken on a completely different direction.
I feel like I’m not taking enough turns. I’m just on the straight and narrow and I want to find the right TURN. I’m searching for that sign, and I WILL find it.

The thing that scares me is that life is just , like they say, too damn short. It’s not just that though, it’s speeding up. I swear it is!
Every day goes by just that little bit faster. The years are flying by. Look at it, here comes another Christmas AGAIN! (Didn’t we just have one recently?)

I get scared.
I’m terrified of dying. Absolutely shit scared.
Not of “death”, but of that moment of dying thinking….”Oh no… hang on…wait! I didn’t experience it all….I SHOULD have done……”

The thing is, I don’t exactly KNOW what it is I want to DO or experience. I really don’t.
I’m 44 years old and I still don’t have a clue, really.
I know what I don’t want to do (Jump off bridges or out of airplanes . No thank you, all that bravado, adrenaline pumping stuff is just not for me.)
All I know is I love being out in nature and exploring, and traveling and seeking for answers, somehow out in that amazing world of beauty that is everywhere around us, and yet we don’t embrace it ENOUGH.
I don’t embrace it enough.
Not truly deeply…breathe it in…No,I don’t do that enough. (Do any of us?)
But more than that, I’d like to make a difference, somehow? I’m not sure how exactly but I know I have a purpose here, in this tapestry of life. I’m just not confident I’m actually fulfilling this purpose?

Right now, I feel like I just want to get away.
Be somewhere far away in the middle of the outback, under a blanket of stars feeling that peaceful feeling of being “home” within myself.

As much as I complained about it at the time (I WAS sick, very sick on this trip.) – be somewhere like here.

The Gunbarrel Highway. from Tracy Lundgren on Vimeo.

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About Tracy Lundgren

I am a people watcher,life observer, nature lover, spiritual seeker loving this crazy wild ride that life is taking me on. I am still a blank piece of paper waiting to be filled and that is good.
This entry was posted in Australia, camping, Children, Getting older, Life, Spirituality, Travel and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

7 Responses to Fear.

  1. The Landy says:

    Life is a bit like that isn’t it…Camping last weekend I was ready to pack it all in on Sunday night and disappear!

  2. Dan says:

    “….. this is exactly what I’ve always wanted to do.
    Just be free….”

    Here’s another perspective on freedom.
    But it’s nothing personal. 😉

    http://thevoiceofstillness.com/nothing-personal/

    Peace. 🙂

  3. Adam S says:

    Wow. Almost everything you said is *me* — right down to the “marijuana experience” as a teen. That’s exactly how I got bit by the anxiety bug! This post is like a painting. I’m not sure why that came to me. I think because art causes us to become introspective. There’s more to it than just brush strokes. This is honest and raw. I’m really looking forward to the post on your doobie days…

    • desertrose7 says:

      Interesting. I wonder how many other people with anxiety problems can trace it back to dope? Maybe that’s just the trigger though. I have a suspicion that us deep thinking creative types are more prone to anxiety anyway. Too many thoughts, not enough lives. 🙂

      • Adam S says:

        It’s definitely a potential trigger. I was always the “nerdy pothead” type. I used it, literally, to expand my mind. I guess the greens push an expansive mind even further. If you’re looking, you’ll definitely open doors that you wished would have remained closed…

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