Ma and Pa Kettle.

I warned my parents that I’d have to blog about this.

They recounted this story to me recently, in stereo -as they do when they get excited and try to outdo each other in relating a particular event. It can take some time as they both argue over minuscule details, but eventually I got the picture.

One night my stepmum, whilst in the bathroom getting ready for bed, heard a buzzing noise coming from what she thought was the ceiling exhaust fan.
This alarmed her greatly because in order to cut (ludicrous) costs by having an electrician replace the old fan she’d decided that they would just have a darn good look at how it was done and thereby having marked all the wires and hooked up the new fan exactly the same way, they had done the job themselves at a fraction of the cost.

But now, albeit some time later, it was buzzing…and all she could think was that somehow the thing was doing something electrically up there that it shouldn’t be.
She was imagining sizzling wires vibrating dangerously…minutes from sparking a blazing inferno in the ceiling.

Calling my father they both stood listening to the ominous buzzing sound and decided that this might be a dangerous situation that warranted a closer (and immediate) inspection.

My stepmum has just about had enough of the upkeep of the house, all the continuing maintenance, the laborious upkeep of the gardens…she just wants to move (has done for as long as I can remember.)
It’s all getting too much for them her, now that they are getting older.

Now, my dad has a real thing about all things electrical…takes it very seriously so he got himself into a bit of a flap.
He does the getting all in a flap bit really well.  Ordinarily he’s pretty laid back (ask my step mum…she’s about ready to kill him with the amount of time he spends “laid back” on the computer reading my blog wasting time when he COULD be helping her out in the garden.)

He’s kind of like the mad professor when in a flap. Doesn’t quite know what to do with himself and although he’s a very intelligent man, it takes time to stop flapping about and actually become effectual in a crisis.

“He was running around aimlessly like a chook with it’s head cut off.” Were my stepmums words.

So my stepmother sent him outside to turn off all the power…meanwhile she completely got the shits with the entire situation and threw herself on the bed thinking…”What the hell! Let the bloody house burn down! I’m ::a few choice words:: over it!”

My dad, in the meantime is yelling out to her asking if he’s flipped the right switch…was everything turned off in there?….flaps himself back in the house and is astonished to find his wife lying on the bed as though completely uninterested in this impending crisis, which might very well mean the house could suddenly ignite or explode and come crashing down around their ears.

In a huff he marched off downstairs , now in the dark, to find the ladder so he could climb up into the bathroom roof to find the source of the buzzing.

He meets up with my stepmum in the bathroom where by torchlight they stand listening and there it is….the buzzing!
All the power is off, the lights are off and yet something is STILL making this electrical buzzing noise?

My father has dragged the wrong ladder upstairs. He needs the taller one so he flaps back down again- I can just imagine it, cussing and muttering under his breath , outside, up and down stairs, in the dark to get this damn other ladder.

As he’s rummaging around in the dark trying to get the damn other ladder he suddenly hears mad peals of laughter from upstairs in the bathroom.

It’s my stepmum, laughing like a crazed lunatic.

“What on earth is she doing now?” He thinks.
“Has she completely lost the plot?”

Coming back upstairs, wondering what could possibly be so funny about this very serious situation he finds her standing in the bathroom holding something in her hand….. that’s buzzing.

It’s my father’s electric nose hair trimmer.

It’s THAT, accidentally switched on, that’s been buzzing away in the bathroom cabinet drawer the whole time!

Next time dad, use tweezers.
It will save a whole lot of fuss and bother.