I’m going to write about boobs and that’s thanks to Rebecca – you can see her very fun and funny blog here
(why can’t I get links to work?)
I must admit, it took me a while to make friends with my boobs.
As soon as I hit puberty they were THERE…in my face, and everyone else’s as well.
I felt as though my body was betraying me with these monster lumps that seemed to grow bigger by the day.
I tried to hide them with big woolly cardigans and walked around constantly with my arms crossed as if to try and fold them back into my body.
It wasn’t easy for me.
The stares…the leery looks, from men far too old to be looking at someone my age.
But, there they were, sticking out for the world to see and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it.
I mean it’s ridiculous all this fuss we make about breasts.
It’s silly really.
When it comes down to it they are just udders.
Big smooshy pacifiers.
Woops. Sometimes not big and smooshy…but that doesn’t matter at ALL!
Really, when it comes down to their intended purpose size does not matter ONE BIT.
I don’t know what plastic surgeons are thinking when they sew these mammoth balloons to women’s chests.
Real breasts MOVE….and jiggle, and they certainly don’t sit like a pair of pumped too full of air, floaties on a womans chest. (Can these women go scuba diving or do they need extra weights to sink them?)
Real breasts squish together.
One of my kids once pointed to my top and asked me if I had a “bum in there?”
I wish our world was a bit more like certain tribal peoples…where breasts are seen as purposeful and completely NON sexual.
They just hang ‘em out, throw them over their shoulders while they mash corn – Child sits suckling a long skinny boobie from under mom’s arm while she’s busy plucking chickens.
These are wise people because they don’t worry about bra’s.
No! Why torment their womenfolk with awful underwires and the worry of back fat .
Good God…I saw a bra the other day with a big colourful, in your face label that said – “The no back fat bra!”
Great. Something else for us women to worry about.
Does my back look fat in this bra?
And see, these tribal people, they are smart.
They know that no matter how you try to strap those boozies up, in the end gravity is going to win.
It will, trust me…
So why bother with all those years of torturous winching of the boulders when they’re just going to end up as sag bags anyway?
The other night when I took off my bra I said to my husband.
“You have NO idea how good it feels to release the beasts.” (He looked hopeful for a moment.)
Forget the “Ah bra”, the only true “ahhhhhh” moment is when you can finally swing ‘em loose and free.
Except when you get to my age…and you have to kick them across the floor as you walk.
See, it’s really not all fun and games having big boobs.
I try to tell this to all my small chested women friends.
“Be thankful you don’t have big ones!” I say.
They just roll their eyes at me.
Think of the advantages…
– When you have small boobs you don’t have to dig boob holes in the sand on the beach.
– Men actually remember that you have a FACE.
– You don’t have to fish things out of your cleavage. (Things really do get lost in there.)
– You can jog without knocking yourself out.
Oh heck, see….this is why I wrote this song!