Beware, if you ever see me behind the wheel of a car, with this on the back it means LUNATIC.
My husband has gone to buy a second car today.
He somehow has this completely insane idea that I, along with our sixteen year old daughter, am going to learn how to drive.
The poor man really must be suffering badly in the mental department because he should know by now that I would make an absolutely TERRIBLE driver.
I have a confession.
I cannot cross a busy road without holding someone’s hand. I know, it’s pathetic and it was ok when the kids were little and it was acceptable to hold someone’s hand to cross the road but they’re all grown up and bigger than me now.
I have a poor sense of spacial and distal judgement and to be honest I just have this fear of other people IN their cars.
They change… As soon as they get behind that wheel something happens to them and they become instantly impatient, rude,aggressive and say horribly unkind things to everyone who is in the world outside of their vehicle, including pedestrians.
Even totally nice people morph into these vehicular terrorists.
You never see people just driving along in their cars with a big smile on their faces. (And if you do you stay WELL clear.)
They get in, turn the car on and their whole world turns to crap, it seems.
Not only are they having a crap time while they’re driving but these days people are talking on phones, sending text messages, facebooking and God only knows what else in their cars.
I once heard a story of a woman who was caught tidying up her bikini region with a razor (or maybe it was hot wax?) WHILE she was driving.
I mean how insane is that?
It’s not that I am incapable of actually learning how to operate a car.
I can use a sewing machine, so I’m sure I could drive in a straight line, at least.
I could reverse a car I’m sure, zig zag it…. Parking could be a problem though.
Sewing machines are a bit like cars in the way that they often bring out the worst in you.
I’ve been known to scream and shout and throw things and cuss terribly while trying to sew, but that’s ok because nobody has ever been hurt as a result of my sewing.
Well, there was that time I tried to make a dress for my infant daughter and couldn’t get it OFF her.
It’s perfectly legal to drink and sew too, which is a good thing because sometimes I need a drink to calm my nerves before dealing with temperamental tension and wonky bobbins.
It’s NEVER ok to drink and drive though, which is unfortunate.
I’ll tell you a secret.
I once tried to learn how to ride a motor scooter.
I tell my kids it was a motorbike because that seems really cool but really it was just a scooter.
I got pulled up by the police in Hyde park because I wasn’t supposed to be riding it there. (Of course that story is always open for colourful embellishment.) and the only other time I actually rode it was from Bondi beach to Bondi junction and back and I was so paralyzed with fear that I forgot to use the indicators the entire time!
That was enough for me.
I don’t really WANT to drive.
People don’t understand that. I’m quite happy not driving.
I like buses and trains, don’t mind it at all.
I have built my life around NOT driving and it’s ok. I’ve learned so many things, creative things, through being a bit of a home- body.
And I WALK.
People who drive forget they have legs.
They have to drive to the mailbox because they can’t figure out how to get there on foot.
God forbid if their car breaks down! Oh my Lord, is THAT a catastrophe.
To actually have to WALK somewhere and lower themselves to catch public transport!
It’s such a shameful thing.
Whenever we go to the outback my husband makes me try to learn how to drive the car.
It’s ok out there because there aren’t any police, there’s no cars and no tree’s. It’s a good safe place for me to drive because there’s nothing to hit and nobody to hit me.
I feel ok driving out there, sort of…
Well, maybe not really because I’ve got a car full of kids behind me shouting “Go FASTER mum!” FASTER!! You’re going too slow!”
I think 20 km an hour is quite fast enough thankyouverymuch.
I’m no speed freak.
A lovely leisurely pace suits me fine.
I could drive if there were no cars, no stop signs, roundabouts,traffic lights, pedestrians, people watching me and if I didn’t have to eventually find somewhere to park.
I don’t even like dodge -em cars.
The world is a safer place without me driving in it. Trust me.
Just watch this and you will agree…. (My first driving experience in the outback starts at about 2 minutes in.)
What IS my husband thinking?