Weapons of mass destruction.

Just how many pairs of shoes do you expect to purchase for your teenage son in one year?

27564 !

Ok, so I’m slightly exaggerating – but it’s close.

Don’t have boys, whatever you do.
They are FAR too expensive to raise.
It’s ok, if your husband is a shoe manufacturer, but otherwise forget it.
You are destined to live in abject poverty if you have sons.
Or, move to an island to live with some sort of tribal people – they don’t have shoes and more importantly, they don’t have SKATEBOARDS!

Highly sensible people if you ask me, and they do things like make the man children stick their hands into gloves full of incredibly nasty stinging ants when they reach the age of thirteen. Apparently the pain is unbelievable!
The elder tribal men proudly call it “initiation into manhood”.
I think it was the elder tribal mothers that secretly got together and came up with this ingeniously cunning idea.

It’s called REVENGE, for all the grief that boy children, man children and MEN give us!

Sorry, I was getting all violent there. I’ll try to calm down.

Seriously though, if you must, plan to have only ONE son.
Trust me it’s best.
Better still, is to have none, but if you INSIST on torturing yourselves…

Only have ONE son because having more than that is pointless (and dangerous…and financially crippling.)
It’s pointless having more than one son because you can’t pass hand me down shoes from one son to the next – because there is nothing LEFT of them!
Not a flap of sole, not even a shoelace.
The foul emissions from the man child’s feet will have completely vaporized the shoes within approximately six weeks of purchasing them. Gone….phhhssshhhhew! In a puff of toxic dust.

Have you ever wondered why when you go into a thrift store there are rows and rows of women’s shoes, young children’s shoes, and stacks of men’s work shoes but not a SINGLE pair of teenage boy sneakers!
Phhssssshhhhew!  They’ve all vanished into thin air. (It’s what’s caused the hole in the ozone layer – global warming, the result of stinking boy teenagers feet.)
Actually I think it’s just illegal to sell used boys shoes. Some sort of public health risk.

It’s a health risk just owning a teenage boy!
Just look at their parents.
They appear worn down and beaten. Dribbling and catatonic- and they never have ANY MONEY!

It’s good (and sensible) that tribal people live on islands because there’s lots of sand. That’s why they left the cities and moved there….for the sand, because boy children cannot ride skateboards ON SAND!
Brilliant hey.
They don’t need shoes either. No, not at all. Especially not while shimmying up coconut tree’s.
Gotta hand it to them, these tribal people are VERY smart.

I hate skateboards.
They make noise. They cause terrible injuries. (My son’s last broken arm looked like it was made of rubber – it had an S bend in it that defied belief. I needed counseling.)
Skateboards cost loads and loads of money and always need new wheels and new grip tape, new chocks, trucks, bicks and bucks and THINGS…they make NOISE (did I mention that?) and the worst thing about them is that- skateboards EAT shoes.
Literally.

My son’s shoes always look like a pack of feral dogs has been playing tug of war with them.
Mangled, with great big chunks missing….the soles flapping when he walks, shoelaces shredded…
It’s disgusting and embarrassing.
They’re dangerous too because the teeny tiniest hole in his shoe and there’s this pressure cooker effect.
Jets of foul steam spew from the blowholes and make anyone within a two metre radius vomit violently.

We’ve nearly had car accidents because my son has (unbelievably) taken his shoes OFF in the backseat!
I’m sure we could hi jack a plane with my sons’ weapons of mass destruction.

I’ve sent my son to school before with sticky tape wrapped around his shoes to keep them together. (Keep the stink in.)
No, seriously I haven’t…but he did this himself, once!

I’ve bought expensive shoes, cheap shoes, brand name shoes, nerdy shoes…doesn’t matter. Within a week (sometimes even less – I kid you not!) this child has managed to destroy his shoes.

We’re at our wits end.

We’ve even been OUT and had to do an emergency search to find new shoes because the ones he left the house wearing either sprouted an intolerable blow hole, or else suddenly disintegrated while we were walking around.
Just recently this happened and I made him go into a public restroom to take off the offending remnants of his shoes and bury them, secretly, in the garbage bin in there.  I’m ashamed that we had to do that.
The poor cleaning lady. I hope she survived.

So I’m starting a fund.
It’s called “Relief for the starving shoeless.”
I’m also going to start a support group for “Survivors of skateboarding sons”

We need all the help we can get, so if you feel generous, please send money, skilled mental health professionals…or, shoes.

(He’s size 9.)

Thank you.

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About Tracy Lundgren

I am a people watcher,life observer, nature lover, spiritual seeker loving this crazy wild ride that life is taking me on. I am still a blank piece of paper waiting to be filled and that is good.
This entry was posted in Children, Humour, Life, teenagers and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

5 Responses to Weapons of mass destruction.

  1. leagpage says:

    Just be glad you don’t have a hockey player. I used to think it was the waste water treatment plant that smelled so bad on the way home from practice. Nope. Just those pads and skates.

  2. desertrose7 says:

    That’s just not in my scope of nightmares. Whoa…anything with “pads” just sounds like a sweat magnet to me.
    You have my deepest sympathy for the ordeal you have been put through.

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