One of my daughters came home from school and told me that her teacher had a penis enlarger in his storeroom.
Actually, her and her little friend both told me the same story with big wide solemn eyes that nine year olds possess when they’re trying to tell you something VERY important.
My first stunned question was “How do you KNOW it was a penis enlarger?”
With eyes growing wider by the second they explained,
“Because it had it written on it….Pee-NIS En LARGE- ER”
Well, that did it for me….How the heck would a nine year old know of such a thing? It’s just not in their scope of imagination.
It had to be true…didn’t it?
Though what on earth a teacher would be doing with one at school, I couldn’t fathom, except to imagine something rather sinister.
I phoned a few close friends, talked to my parents, rang my husband of course, and they all agreed it sounded very odd indeed.
But, the dilemma of course was…was it REALLY what they thought it was…I mean, maybe it was some other kind of enlarger? Pencil enlarger? Who knows…Could there be a brand name that they mistook for the word “penis”?
I mulled the options over in my mind.
See, if I were to ring the headmaster (which my friends advised) to discuss this little matter I really had to be sure of my facts first because no one wants to go making unsubstantiated accusations do they? Not of THIS nature.
This was serious stuff! The teacher could be dismissed, charges filed against him if it indeed turned out to be the case.
Penis enlargers DO actually exist, if you aren’t already aware of this fact.
For medical reasons they are commonly used for men with erectile difficulties. Diabetics for example, who suffer from lack of circulation in those areas sometimes use them, and this particular teacher happened to BE a Diabetic…
But still, I could see no reason for a teacher keeping one in the storeroom.
So… I did what any concerned mother would do and rang an adult sex shop.
“Hello, Starlight Sex toys, how may I help you?” asked the male voice on the other end of the line.
“Do you sell penis enlargers?” I asked
“Yes we do.” he replied brightly
“What kind were you after?”
“There’s different kinds?” I asked , momentarily taken aback, then recovering I asked boldly.
“Can you describe what a standard one looks like?”
And he did. To my dismay it sounded much like the children had described.
A thought occurred to me, so I asked…
“Does it actually have the words PENIS ENLARGER written on it?
“On the box?” he asked, sounding a little curious now.
“No, no….on the actual…thing, the device?”
There was a distinctive pause, and then he ventured in a breathy aroused tone.
“Would you LIKE it to?”
I hung up, flustered.
So it seemed that this situation really warranted a call to the headmaster, after all, I had grilled the girls to death and they did not waver in their story, except they were beginning to look positively worried, without the earlier giggling as they’d discussed the story.
I decided to sleep on it and call him in the morning.
“Hello, my daughter is a student at your school and I have a very unusual and delicate issue to discuss with you.”
“Yeeeesssss” said the man sounding rather bored.
I guessed he was sitting at his desk doodling idly on a piece of paper. After all he must be used to receiving hundreds of calls from concerned parents.
I had rehearsed this dozens of times and decided the best approach was total candidness.
“My daughter said she saw a device in Mr XXX’s storeroom with the words “PENIS ENLARGER” on it!” I blurted.
There ! I had said it.
There was a heavy silence for a few seconds.
I imagined his head snapping up, the pen dropping from his fingers mid doodle….
After about fifteen minutes of discussion with me vowing that these children, MY child especially, were honest kids, not trouble makers, and asking, how on earth nine year olds could concoct such a story, he finally, sounding as concerned as I, promised to look into the matter immediately.
My husband and I spent a long night mulling over this unexpected and serious situation we now found ourselves in.
The next morning I received a phone call from the school.
It seemed there WAS a device similar to the girls description in the teachers storeroom….however, it was some mathematical device used for measuring the volume of liquids, or something of that nature.
It was a relief, and I was sure it would all be cleared up soon enough. Surely just an innocent mistake on the girls part. Maybe someone else planted the idea in their heads that it was what they said it was. Embarrassing, but one can never be too careful these days.
That afternoon I received another phone call.
This is when the proverbial poop hit the fan.
Both girls were in the headmasters office, in tears, the accused teacher had left the school, himself in tears apparently, and my wonderful HONEST little girl, who had never in her life told a lie (not a serious one anyway) had confessed that her and her friend had watched an Austin Powers movie,(at the friend’s house – my TV viewing rules were a lot tougher.) a week beforehand, where a “Penis Enlarger” was apparently featured in this film, and after seeing the “thing” in the storeroom they had decided to have a little fun and make up this story- without realising the significance or just how it would snowball into such seriousness.
Mortified does not describe how I felt.
You know that moment when you just want the earth to swallow you up?
I just wanted to wring their scrawny little necks till their big solemn eyes popped out of their sockets!
How does one apologize for such a thing?
The poor teacher!
He was CRYING for God’s sake…All the kids in the class KNEW about the story!
The whole school!
The girls were lectured sternly by the headmaster and of course by us, their parents…They were put on detention for quite some time, however, they KNEW…Oh boy did they ever, that what they had done was a terrible cruel thing and VERY serious. They had not only jeopardized a teachers career, but they had humiliated him also.
If anything came out of it, for them, was this very serious lesson.
And for me, a lesson too…
People and their sex toys can be really kinky.
This unfortunately, is a TRUE story.
My daughter is about to have her first child.
I hope she is prepared for the very scary, totally insane, completely unpredictable journey that with certainty lies ahead.
(And it will be my turn to sit back and laugh.)