The God cat.

You don’t own a cat, a cat owns you.

No matter how much you try and kid yourself, the cat owns the house, your favourite chair, the bed, the clean ironed shirt you just lay on the bed, all the sunny spots in the window sills, all the sunny napping spots in the garden and especially all the dogs’ favourite napping spots.

It’s just law.

Think about it.
How many times have you gone to sit in your favourite chair and there is the cat all curled up in its fluffy loveliness. It lazily fixes you with one eye and then because it KNOWS it’s in “your” chair it stretches and half rolls onto its side, offers up a most deliciously irresistible furry belly, which without even thinking you spend the next five minutes rubbing .
When the cat has had enough belly rubs it curls itself back into an even tighter ball and endearingly places one paw over its eyes as if to say “Please do not disturb. I am taking a happy nap.”

And because it’s so perfectly oozing with cuteness you go all gooey and simply tip toe away to find another chair.

You have just been owned.

We have two dogs, two birds and one cat.
The cat is in charge of everything and everybody.
He does this in a deceptively laid back, chilled out manner that has everybody fooled.
Even the dogs.
So masterfully skilled is he that the dogs believe he is their “friend” and will allow him to rub up against them, sleep on their sun deck, even eat from their bowls.

But I have seen the “other” side of our cat.
The one that is ruthless, premeditating and downright devious.
For absolutely NO reason the cat will walk up behind the most placid of our two dogs (He’s just a big wrinkle bag of Sharpei dopey-ness) and in a split second will lash out -like Kung Fu cat, and deliver a quick spiked spanking to his big old clumsy butt.
It happens so fast that the dog barely has time to register what just happened before the cat saunters past as if to say “Just don’t you forget who I AM around here buster! I am GOD.”

The God cat frequently makes its entrance into a room and quietly sits a distance away from you fixing you with a stare that for some reason compels you want to call it TO you.
It’s an overwhelming urge that you have no willful control over.

It’s not like a dog that comes bounding up to you with ears, lips and tail flapping, falling all over you gushing with affection in great big slobbering abandon while you spend the next five minutes trying to fend it off.
All the God cat has to do is walk into a room, silently sit there gazing at you and you are automatically hypnotized into wanting to pet it.
It has you spellbound.
If it flops down and rolls playfully on its back exposing that scrumptious belly you will immediately stop whatever it is you are doing, leave your chair, walk across the room to kneel down next to it and when it starts playfully clawing your fingers you will ignore the pain and very real risk of being bloodily mangled.
When it crouches down and wriggles its rear end you will delightedly run your hands back and forth across the carpet, offering them up as chunks of play meat with no regard for the fact that you are now sacrificial “prey”.

Last night as my husband and I lay in bed the God cat made his entrance after his highness’s evening meal and as always sat in the middle of the floor and fixed us with “that” stare.
Our daughter who was sitting in my computer chair in the room began patting her leg inviting God cat to sit with her.
My husband followed suite and before long, with no thought, just irresistible compulsion I also began frantically patting and cajoling, begging God cat to grace MY lap with his almighty presence.

God cat did not move a muscle, just sat there in all his holy smugness.

“I am so stupendously great. Look what I can make my humans do – stoop to such undignified levels of pathetic–ness by my mere amazing presence.”

Eventually, and uncharacteristically so(usually someone has to go and fetch him) God cat made his decision and jumped up onto my husband’s side of the bed.
Of course this made my husband gush with overjoyed pride.

“See, he loves me. He loves ME better than all of you! He loves me BEST!”.

Most irritating.

I tried to explain that God cat doesn’t love anybody he just, at this particular point in time, has claimed that exact SPOT on the bed as HIS.
It wouldn’t matter who was laying there – it’s just the territory he is laying stake to.
“Nooo, he loves me more. See, I told you, it’s ME he loves.”

I know better because for some reason THAT spot, next to my husband is reserved for the early part of the evening.
When the snoring starts God cat moves to his next spot which is at my feet.  By morning (Because like me he can’t stand the snoring) God cat will be curled up on MY favourite dining chair – where I will of course leave him undisturbed and sit in another.
It’s just God cat’s current routine.

He doesn’t love anybody “better” than the next in our household.

He simply owns some people more than others.

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About Tracy Lundgren

I am a people watcher,life observer, nature lover, spiritual seeker loving this crazy wild ride that life is taking me on. I am still a blank piece of paper waiting to be filled and that is good.
This entry was posted in Cats, Humour, husbands, Life, Pets and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

6 Responses to The God cat.

  1. Keira says:

    “See, he loves me. He loves ME better than all of you! He loves me BEST!”.

    but he knows when mummy is home.. he’ll come cuddle and sleep with me 🙂

  2. desertrose7 says:

    That’s because he owns you too.

  3. Adam S says:

    Arrogant felines…I’d much rather have a dog! The one thing I know (for sure) about cats is that if you didn’t buy them, you can’t pet them. That’s a scientific fact, jack!

  4. desertrose7 says:

    Yes, well dogs come with their own set of endearing qualities like eating poop, crotch sniffing and swallowing underwear. I’ll get to that later. 🙂

  5. Haha! Love it! We all learn how to hypnotise early on. I find it very useful. My humans argue all the time as to who I love the most… Fun to keep them guessing… I get more treats that way!

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