Differences in the bedroom.

My husband snores.
Terribly, or terribly well, whichever way you want to look at it.
He tells me *I* snore too but I don’t believe him.
(If I do it must be a delicate snore.)
Not only does he snore but he gnashes and grinds his teeth, makes wet lip smacking noises, talks, sometimes even breaks out into song while he sleeps (I kid you not) and passes gas forcefully – as though he is partaking of some teenage dormitory farting competition.
He also steals the covers, gropes any body part he comes in contact with and sticks his knees up and then they fall over, on me…and believe it or not knees are heavy things.

His nose makes whistling noises.
So much so that it has woken me up in confused alarm. It sounds like my daughters birds, distressed, maybe being eaten by the cat?
I actually got out of bed to check on their well being one night, and then felt silly when I realized it was just a nose whistle.

I am an insomniac and when I do eventually fall sleep it doesn’t take much to wake me up.
For my husband there are only two states of consciousness.
Awake and comatose.
This does not make for a very compatible boudoir situation.

My daughter bought him a “snoring ring” in an attempt to help the situation.
No, it’s not like a bull ring through the nose or anything (Though that would give me great satisfaction – to yank on it every time he starts up.)
It works on the pressure points in the finger…supposedly.
Well, I must admit it kinda makes him snore quieter. Sort of works a bit like a volume controller.

I have had to resort to sleeping with the TV on just so I can drown him out.
It’s a terrible habit, I admit but it’s all I can do save for suffocating him with a pillow (And don’t think that thought hasn’t crossed my mind.)

While I enjoy a wide range of TV viewing, particularly in the documentary category (Nature shows are a favourite) the only programs I can fall asleep to are crime documentaries and thats because out of all the shows they have narrators with the drollest monotone kinds of voices.
Calming in an odd way.
I know it’s weird, and I feel kind of embarrassed admitting it but I fall asleep to the soothing tones of “And investigators were horrified to find the decapitated skull of a young man badly decomposed in a ditch in the town of……”
It’s really awful, I know, to be lulled to sleep by that.

Lately my husband has been doing this thing, a new thing and it’s driving me insane.
It’s not a snore and it’s not breathing (As we know it.)
I almost feel like I’m in a science fiction movie, in deep space somewhere with an astronaut next to me with one of those bubble helmets and an oxygen tank on his back.
The sound is kind of like – “Kkhhhaaaaaww……….khhhaaaaaaaww…….khhhhhhhaaaaaww…..”

There’s a “click” in there as well (between the K and the H) which sounds like a valve being shut off and then opened. My mind wanders, pondering the anatomical process of how exactly that noise is made?

I lay there listening to this feeling my whole body tense waiting for the next “kkkhhhaaawww” but sometimes it doesn’t come.
Now, you would think that would make me happy…relax a bit, enough to slowly start to drift off….?
But no, this absence of any sound coming from my husband means his brain is going for seconds, sometimes even minutes without oxygen.
The longer the silence lasts the more I begin to worry.
Is he ok? Will his autonomous physiology kick in and restart the kkkhhhaaawing?
So, I hit him -hard, because I’m annoyed, and with a snort and some other ugly choking noises the torture resumes.

I can’t win.
If he’s quiet I wonder if there’s a corpse next to me and when he’s making noise I want to kill him.

If he’s not making noise snoring and chewing and choking on his own spit then he’s talking.
Not soft little mumbles into the pillow- no…
These are loud explosive, often expletive filled tirades that make me jump out of my skin.
Sometimes they are just downright WEIRD though.
Like the time he proclaimed “If I was a cheesecake I’d eat myself!”
Another time he whined “I’m cooold, I’m tiiiired, I’m wet, I’m thirsty, I’m huuuungry.”
Was he perhaps regressing into infancy in a dream?
I did worry a bit about the “wet” bit. (Checked the sheets.)

I know when he’s having a nightmare because he whimpers like a puppy.
It’s quite strange listening to the yelping coming from beside me. A grown man making such pathetic noises. (No I’m in no mood for sympathy.)
It’s so dog like that I wouldn’t be surprised if his arms and legs start paddling in the air like sleeping hounds do. (I’d like to buy him his own kennel.)

Did I mention how quickly my husband falls asleep?
It’s like one minute we’re having a quiet little bedtime chat and the next minute I’m talking to myself because he’s gone. Click….just like that. Lights out.

The other night after sitting through an episode of “megafactories” (my husbands favourite show) about how they make coffee (riveting) he handed the TV remote over to me preparing to go to sleep and said….
“No monkeys, no elephants, no dogs, no cats, no ghosty shows,no psychic shows,no home decorating shows, no British shows.

“What would you like to spend the next three seconds listening to dear?” I inquired.

“Crime and violence is ok”
“No turtles ,no sharks, no sloths” he mumbled into the pillow.

Gee, I guess he really doesn’t like animal planet.

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About Tracy Lundgren

I am a people watcher,life observer, nature lover, spiritual seeker loving this crazy wild ride that life is taking me on. I am still a blank piece of paper waiting to be filled and that is good.
This entry was posted in Bedroom, Humour, husbands, Life, Marriage and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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