Why is it that sometimes a blank piece of paper (or screen as it may be) can sometimes seem so exciting and at other times so daunting?
I think it’s because sometimes we hold back what we really want to say, perhaps even to ourselves?
All of us, who write, us bloggers, only reveal a tiny piece of who we really are.
What we feel safe in revealing about ourselves.
This is true in our real worlds, real lives too, wouldn’t you say?
Imagine how our lives would be if everyone revealed everything, the raw truths about ourselves, our feelings, our reactions, fears, insecurities….
We would all be quite afraid of each other, wouldn’t we?
We’d want to lock each other up in padded cells.
It’s amazing how we learn to trust only what we want to believe. What is safe….
If we spoke our thoughts out loud – that inner monologue that perpetually bombards our minds – let those slippery thoughts loose on our tongues , out for the world to hear….
My daughter and I pondered the other day….Do deaf people hear that voice/or voices ? That same spoken inner monologue inside their heads as we hearing people hear?
They can’t can they, if they have never heard themselves speak?
I wonder what goes on inside their minds? How it must feel? Do they see images instead of hearing words?
I’d like to know.
Thoughts are strange things.
They are the source of all things.
A single thought gains momentum, and like a rolling snowball down a mountainside, gathering snow, can have such power and impact.
It’s so true….everything begins with a single thought.
Which is exactly why it’s so important to have nice thoughts.
I’m feeling depressed actually, and I’m not having nice thoughts.
If I were to blog really honestly right now I’d say….. I feel so fat, and ugly and old, and lonely and everything hurts and I hate getting older and I’m miserably perimenopausal and I hate myself for allowing myself to wallow in negativity and I just noticed today in the mirror that when I smile a million wrinkles seem to appear that weren’t there before and I had the random thought today that “I wonder if I could tattoo my whole face whether that would allow me to not see these wrinkles anymore so I could pretend that I’m not getting older, so that I could pretend to NOT feel afraid of…..death.”
You see how weird that makes me sound?
Come on….I know I’m not the only one who has these sort of strange thoughts.
We’re all strange, in one way or another.
We just never allow the weirdness OUT.
Not completely out anyway.
Perhaps I am not even prepared to reveal ALL my weirdness….
And then I contemplated how lucky men are to be able to grow beards, because it hides wrinkles when they smile.
I’m not saying I want to be the next bearded lady, but…..
So if I am to continue being honest here…
My hips, my knee’s, my fingers, my feet all ache.
I think it’s hormonal….
We bought some tiger balm when we were away…Last night in desperation I smeared it all over my legs to try and stop the aching, but it ended up feeling like I’d dipped my legs in toothpaste.
As I blinked back the tears (from the fumes coming off my legs) I told my husband who was in bed next to me.
“I feel like I’ve dipped my legs in toothpaste.”
He just looked at me and said…
“You are so weird….how would you even know what toothpaste dipped legs feel like?”
Today I drank cabbage juice.
They say it is supposed to be good for inflammation….
It is not nice to drink.
My husband saw me and said “You are so weird, drinking cabbage juice.”
Tomorrow I’ll try a bit of ginger mixed in with it too.
I’m going to try not to think about all those wrinkles that appear on my face when I laugh and smile wide.
I’m not young anymore.
I’m allowed to look my age.
Dying is ok too.
It will be alright.
I believe there is something else after “this”.
Somewhere where I won’t have to drink cabbage juice.
Somewhere where weird is completely normal and everything will make sense.
Or maybe it won’t but that will be perfectly ok.
Do you think I’m suffering from a bit of post holiday depression?
I think I need another trip away.
At least from the inside of my head.
Tomorrow I will create!
Open the gates and let the weird things OUT.