Husbands and doctors….not a good mix.

Bugger! My sneaky plans were foiled this morning!

See, after my doctors appointment yesterday I knew I had to go to pathology and have some blood tests done, so my plan was to announce to hubby that finally there were NO MORE EXCUSES, and that seeing as he was taking me for the blood tests that it was a perfect opportunity for HIM to have his much needed, long awaited blood tests also!

I have been trying to get him to have a full health check done for some time now. He’s gained weight, he’s turning 50, and it’s about time he had his cholesterol and sugars and all the rest of it checked. (Yeah, he’s never had any done!)
Just trying to get him to GO to the doctor was an ordeal in itself and took a LOT of pleading, begging, nagging and blackmail!

The thing is though he is SUCH a bloody wuss! The thought of a needle sets his bottom lip a wobbling. (Oh poor baby. Never mind that I excruciatingly painfully pushed four children from my loins and you witnessed the agony of that….yet hey, I survived!)

So, he conveniently “lost” his last blood test referral thingy. That was about three months ago.
Never mind….the next time I went in I asked the doctor if he could give ME a copy, so *I* could keep them in a very safe place!
The doctor was more than happy. Thought it was amusing that I have one of “those” husbands.
My other half was rather miffed though.
“That’s not right!” he said.
“That’s betrayal of patient privacy!”
Nice try darling, but I don’t think it would stand up in a court of law somehow.

So for almost a month now I’ve been trying to pin down a day when hubby is working at home so we can go in early for him to have these blood tests, which are fasting ones, for blood sugar levels etc…

I thought I’d be sneaky and say nothing, but announce this morning, at the last minute, with NO wiggle room, that he TOO was going for a blood test – TODAY!

“I’ve already had a cup of coffee!” he says. (Panicking)
“So what….you don’t have sugar so it shouldn’t matter. You’re having it done!”

So we get there bright and early….I hand the two forms to the pathologist lady and suddenly hubby pipes up. (Gleefully I might add.)

“I’ve had coffee this morning!”. (Ohhhh man!)

“Did you have milk…..?Oh well, you can’t have it done today. It’s a total fasting test. Can’t have anything but water. …” says the woman.

Cripes, I could have slapped that grin off his face!

“Do you know how long I’ve been trying to just GET HIM HERE?” I said to the woman.
“Does it REALLY matter if he had a bit of milk?”
(Pleeeeeaaaase…just strap him to the chair and take the damned blood!)

“I had THREE cups of coffee.” hubby says happily.
Sheesh! (I’m positive he was lying.)

“With LOADS of milk!” (Big ear splitting grin. This is now a very fun game for him.)

While I was getting blood taken the pathologist said….”He could always have one half of the test done…it doesn’t matter if it’s fasting or not, and then he can come back next week for the other.”

Well, yeah now if pigs could sprout wings and fly to the moon, maybe, just MAYBE I could convince Mr Wussy pants to have not one but TWO needles in his poor dear delicate little arm….

I did try….but the explosive indignant sounds he was making caused the whole waiting room of people to look over and experience the delight of my plight…..being married to the biggest CHICKEN that has ever scratched the planet.

“That’s what you get for trying to be sneaky.” scolded hubby, delighted with himself, as we walked back to the car.

Next week. Come hell or high water he is getting the damn tests done!

As far as my appointment went yesterday?
I’m just so sick of the runaround doctors have been giving me so this time I decided on a different plan of action.
I hate how doctors never give you their full attention these days during a consultation. Do you know what I mean?
With the arrival of computers they now spend half the time (and time is always so damned precious because they are always running late) peering at the computer screen, typing one fingered as they write their doctors notes, or refresh their memory on your past history WHILE you are speaking to them.
I feel as though they never actually HEAR you. (another case of screens getting in the way of things!)

So this time when he asked me “So what brings you here today?” I simply handed him a folded piece of paper with a list (a long list!) of all the things that have been plaguing me for the past five years.
He actually seemed delighted with my list, which was good because I was afraid he’d just assume I was a nutcase hypochondriac.
(It’s been a while since I’ve seen him, and I know he forgets…..Probably didn’t even recognise me from the last time I went in.)

Anyway, so reading through my list there were a lot of aha’s and yes’s and murmurings of agreement that this indeed fitted the criteria for perimenopause.
Halleluiah….he actually even said the word. PERIMENOPAUSE!

He also said to me in regards to the HRT…”You will either come back in a few months time and KISS me, or HIT me.”
I’m fully aware that I’m taking a gamble….this will either prove to be the cure for this insanity of what I’ve been going through, or it won’t.

So….I have no idea WHO will be blogging here for the next couple of months.
I’m sure there will be ups and downs as my hormones adjust. I’ve done the reading….until you fine tune HRT there can be quite a rollercoaster of states of mind, and physical adjustment to get used to.
Couldn’t be any worse though that the mood swings I’ve already been going through….surely.

Now…if we can just get hubby sorted…….

(I hope they use the biggest needle they can find on him!)

I’m just OVER it!

Since I turned forty I’ve literally felt like shit.
Not understanding why, I’ve been from doctor to doctor with a wide array of seemingly disconnected, and sometimes bizarre symptoms which have at times made me simply miserable.
The anxiety surrounding not knowing WHY has at times caused me to become somewhat of a googlaholic imagining all kinds of disturbing health afflictions.

At times yes, I’ve felt crazy.
At times certainly I’ve felt like a hypochondriac.
I’ve felt frustrated and stupid and whiney and alone.
I have not felt like “myself” for five years now!
I’ve blamed anxiety, for the most part, because that’s always been with me, and caused many unpleasant physical sensations, but it’s got to the point where I am certain that all of this shitty stuff I’ve been going through for the past five years is due to perimenopause.

You would think that would be easy to diagnose hey, considering that every woman goes through it and considering half the population of the world is female that doctors would put two and two together and say….”Aha….I think I have the answer for you”

That’s not been the case for me.
I’ve literally experienced doctors scoffing at the mere mention of the P word.
That’s because, most of them only believe in the M word – Menopause.
The cessation of a woman’s regular cycle. THAT makes sense to them…..It’s real and tangible and it’s in black and white written in their medical books.
The lead up TO it, is of little consequence it seems, to them, which to me is insane, considering that for some unfortunate women it can last up to a DECADE!

I have even seen FEMALE doctors and argued with them, to the point of one leaving me in tears, treating me like some hysterical stupid woman.
I have said to them… (and this IS undoubtedly the case!)” But isn’t menopause a gradual process….just as puberty is a gradual process, and during that process, which may take years, there are physiological changes that occur due to fluctuating hormones?”
I have said….”You don’t just wake up and suddenly you are IN menopause, no more cycle, all done and dusted and there you go it’s all over with!”
This one female doctor actually ARGUED with me about this….
Unbelievable!

I have asked, time and time again….”Do you think these things happening to me are because of dicky hormones?” to which each and every doctor has hedged and skirted the issue, ummed and ahhed and never given me a definitive answer.
Oh they’ve sent me for blood tests and each time they tell me….”Your hormone levels are normal.”
So, I’ve thought….ok, well it can’t be that then, and gone away until the next thing hits me.

One thing that happened to me was (guys you can stop reading….this is really aimed at women and could get into the TMI realm for most men’s sensibilities. Though really, I reckon if you’re a guy with a woman in your life you SHOULD know about these things!)
One thing that happened was that I suddenly started having periods from hell. I mean, not being able to leave the house (some days) bleeding for a month straight hell.
Eventually I went for an ultrasound…..the lining of my uterus was abnormally thickened.
I researched this in depth and discovered that this hyperplasia thing is caused by a hormonal imbalance….too much oestrogen…..and the doctors answer was to tell me to take progesterone!
Guess what, all of that happened even though my hormones AGAIN tested “normal”.

Well, that was it for me. I just hold no relevance for those blood tests.
They tell you nothing.
I decided, of my own accord to try natural progesterone cream, which DID seem to help, for regulating ones cycle anyway.

But I have gotten to the point where I am tired of feeling tired. Sick of feeling “unwell”.
I’m just OVER all these bizarre weird and persistent symptoms.

Here’s a list of them.

Fatigue
Dry eyes (To the point of corneal abrasions!)
Dry mouth
Burning tongue (a recent thing I posted of)
Dry skin
Brittle thinning hair
Thyroid problems (I went hyperthyroid at one point. Oh my, that was fun!)
Joint pain
Muscle pain
Restless legs
Pins and needles in my hands and feet, especially at night in bed.
Headaches
Sharp stabbing pains on one side of my head
Buzzing sensations under the skin
Palpitations
Sore breasts
Erratic cycle
Bloating
Digestive disturbances
Heartburn (Suddenly foods I used to eat, I can’t tolerate)
Burning face (Not a hot flush….like something has been rubbed on my skin causing irritation and mild pain. The latest current lovely sensation I am dealing with)
Excessive thirst
Irritable bladder (I call it…Water just goes straight through me and feels like it’s not reaching my cells….I feel constantly dehydrated.)
Fluttering feeling as I fall asleep – waking me up.
Inability to fall and STAY asleep.
Light intolerance (I live like a vampire)
Intolerance to heat
Night sweats
Weight gain
Inability to concentrate
Tinnitus
Mood swings
Depression

So, like I said….I’ve had enough.

I had this idea in my head that because menopause is a natural physiological process that somehow I could deal with it naturally.
I’ve researched SO much on dietary changes, the power of nutrition, tried the natural progesterone cream, tried nutritional suppliments for women, and basically just put up with whatever crap my body has decided to throw at me but I can’t take it anymore!

I don’t want to live to be really old anyway, not ancient….I’ve given up smoking, rarely drink these days, I eat well (for the most part) I take sensible suppliments like fish oil and magnesium for the restless legs.
Nothing I have tried is helping.

So, this week I am going back to the only doctor who has agreed that this is all due to perimenopause and I am going to go on HRT.

It’s a huge move for me because I have resisted for so long. Truth be told I really do NOT like the idea of synthetic hormones. I DO worry about the risk of breast cancer, and the lesser risk of stroke.
I’m concerned about the long term risks, and how hard it might be to withdraw from them….
I AM an advocate for the more natural healing forms of “medicine”, but I’m literally going insane here.
I can’t focus on LIFE….on LIVING when all these stupid things are stealing my concentration and my energy!

I just want to feel like “me” again.

They’re coming to take them away…..

Tomorrow I hope to be rid of these pesky ghosts that are in my house.
Really, honestly I’m tired of waking up to something banging on my bed head, tired of things bumping the back of my chair, when I’m downstairs, alone in my music room…
Sick of wondering if I’m crazy, seeing things darting about from the corner of my eyes…

I know I’m not crazy, but you FEEL crazy….when you see the cat running down the hallway into your room and mid stride you see him being jerked backward, by some invisible hand seemingly pulling his tail……
Less crazy though when someone else saw it WITH you!

I know, I know, you’re reading this thinking…”this woman’s a nut case….hysterical, it’s all in her head…” and I wouldn’t blame you, especially if you’ve been following my blog because I know I do think, and write a LOT of nutty stuff.

I’m a little bit angry at my husband though because all he ever says is “Well….*I* haven’t seen anything!”
So, if HE hasn’t seen it himself, then it’s just not happening.

We once interviewed a guitarist, someone to join our band at the time.
This guy walked in the house and IMMEDIATELY I knew there was something a little “off” about him.
I don’t know….just a sense you get about a person…

My husband started nattering, as he does….in his own world…
After about fifteen minutes of talking to this guy, who had ALREADY introduced himself at the front door, he suddenly …reintroduces himself…” Hi, I’m Steve…” Like put’s his hand out to shake hands…
You know, my husband didn’t even NOTICE? Just kept on nattering.
Then, after a while, (My husband and I were both smokers….there was an ashtray….we’d BEEN smoking, he’d SEEN us smoking….) the guys says.
“Is it ok if I smoke?”
Again, weird….
Then he starts telling us how he’s getting his pilot’s license….I’m thinking….”Hey ho, this is not GOOD….Please do not ever fly any plane *I* am on!”

After he’d left my husband was bubbling with excitement, full of praise….”What a brilliant guitarist!” (He was….could copy a song straight off, and WELL…knew all the chord changes the first time he heard something….amazing!)
I said to my husband, incredulously….”Did you not notice that the guy is really ODD?”
Nope….not a clue.
“What do you mean….odd?”
My husband didn’t pick up a thing, not a vibe, not a squidgeon of “….hmm, something weird going on here….”
He just doesn’t have that gut instinct….intuition.
Totally black and white!

I decided to do some detective work.
Phoned this guys last place of employment, just to you know….check him out (he WAS a brilliant guitarist.)
The person I spoke to said he was mad as a hatter….
He worked as a kitchen hand….they’d seen him “sliding around on the floor on his backside”.

We didn’t hire him for our band.

Another time hubby and I went to a local pub for a drink…..sat in the beer garden.
I kept glancing at a table of people not too far from us. I just sensed that something was going to happen.
They weren’t being overly rowdy, nor did they seem overly drunk, but there was just a vibe coming from the group that made me uncomfortable.
Over the loud music I tried to tell my husband that I wanted to move….go inside…
He couldn’t hear me…. was completely oblivious to anything going on around him.
Suddenly one of the men jumped up and tried to run across all the tables…Glasses went flying, smashed, the table tipped and he fell into the people, who fell off their chairs….
I don’t know.
I guess I just am more in tune with my gut instincts.
The only gut instinct my husband appears to have is for FOOD.

So….when he says to me “Well, *I* haven’t seen anything GHOSTY!”, it just makes me cranky.
No, of course not dear.
You could have an axe murderer, the blade dripping with blood, a severed head in his hand standing in front of you and you still wouldn’t twig that anything was amiss.

This evening I was downstairs making candles. I had been using the heat gun when I needed to go back upstairs to get something.
My daughter was down there talking to me…
I left her for a moment to duck upstairs and when I went to return I met her at the front door looking completely freaked out.
She was babbling about the “thing that lifted up in the air and fell on the table…..”
I didn’t know what “thing” she was talking about, and I had stuff to finish so I ushered her back down with me trying to work out exactly what she was trying to tell me.

When she calmed down a little she explained that a few seconds after I’d left the room, the heat gun, which had been standing up on it’s end where I left it, had suddenly lifted off the bench…turned sideways, about 20 cm above the bench, as though some unseen hand was holding it, and then it dropped..with a bang, onto the metal bench.
She got such a shock that she jumped up and ran out of there…
I know she left in a hurry because she kicked over a container of water that was on the floor (I’d rescued/contained a neighbours dog earlier and gave it some water in there.)

I know my daughter….she might exaggerate and embellish things sometimes, (don’t we all at times?) but she doesn’t make stuff up and she can’t fake being frightened…and she was frightened!
I was concerned.
This is all getting a bit too much to deal with now.

So, tomorrow some kind ladies are coming to take them all away…..somehow…and that is a good thing, because if this keeps up, they’ll be coming to take ME away…….ha ha , hee hee, hoo hoo…..

That’s me, having a moment of weirdness with a wig in the kitchen, last night in fact.
Yep, I’m just nuts.

3D printing….blows my mind.

As we drove home last night, listening to talkback on the radio, I felt as though I had fallen down the Alice in wonderland hole.
Ok, so I don’t watch the news….don’t keep up with current affairs usually so this is all NEW news to me…

3D printing.

Recently my 17 year old daughter , who likes to follow science related things on the internet had mentioned to me that they have created a printer than creates – MAKES things in 3D form.
“They can make anything mum! Just print it out!”

I was like….yeah yeah….I don’t believe it. How is that possible….in 3D.
We’re not talking something flat, on paper….we’re talking something tangible…whole, look at it from all angles, pick it up and turn it around and it’s all completely there, and real and usable!

But hey, it’s true.
An honest to God revelation to me.
A defining moment actually, listening to them discussing it on the radio.

My husband, daughter and I all listened with interest.
Hubby was excited, thinking about our candle business.
“We could create a mould of ANYTHING, to make candles! How cool is that!”

Considering that these printers, now available to the public, could cost as little as two to three thousand dollars…well, like anything, in a few years when prices come down, everyone might (probably will) have one in the house.

They went on to discuss how, eventually, 3D printers could be used to create artificial tissue, cartilage, even organs and …..even whole limbs.
Organ printing could be taking place in as little as ten years time.
Already they have printed a kidney, miniaturized livers, nerve fibres.
I “think” they are already making ears…..have already successfully used some of these replications within the human body and especially if used by growing them with the body’s own cells….well there goes the whole rejection issue.

Here’s an article….

http://au.news.yahoo.com/technology/news/article/-/16989399/australian-3d-printers-on-track-to-print-body-parts/

I mean…..WOW.
That’s all I could think…..wow.
UNbelievable.
The stuff of science fiction.
Basically a replicating machine.

The implications are amazing, wonderful…
Organs damaged by injury or disease, cancer? could all very well just be replaced.
Need new lungs, new liver, new heart?
Hey presto….we’ll just print you out another.

But the more I listened the more creeped out I became.
I had to wonder…..if they are talking about eventually replicating organs….would it be possible, one day to eventually simply print out another entire human being?
Could they eventually find the technology, the scientific way to do THAT?

What about experimentation…..
Is it possible…even remotely, to take DNA of extinct animals and somehow replicate it, grow it….and hey I know I’m getting all crazy imaginative here…but do you think eventually, somehow they could replicate things like Tyrannosaurus Rex’s…..Saber toothed tigers……?
Like…is Jurassic park just some fictional idea, or could it actually in some very distant future…. HAPPEN ?

You don’t even have to just simply replicate things though.
You can design NEW things, through the computer, customise things, improve on things to suit your every need.
They were speaking of this on the radio, of some specially designed toothbrush someone created using a 3D printer to suit the individual mouth.

So…..if you can design things…..things that don’t already even exist…..well, the only limit is imagination isn’t it?
Just mind blowing, for all of us creators out there!

How will this affect the manufacturing industry , I have to wonder?
What about product copy write?
I mean , great….if you can just whip up….what? A new hair brush, new replacement part for your computer….at home!

Why does this, along with the feeling of incredulousness fill me with a sense of unease then?
I know, I know….it’s just my nature. Suspicion….speculating the worst.
But before you accuse me of being thoroughly negative…..be realistic, and look at the bigger picture.
There are those among us who by nature ALWAYS screw the good intentions of good men and women by finding ways to use the positive, for their own evil, selfish, NEGATIVE intentions!

I blurted out in the car….
“But this is TERRIBLE! People are going to be making their own GUNS….WEAPONS, and not just ordinary weapons, but perhaps even super duper not even THOUGHT of weapons!”

My husband thought I was being silly.

Read this….on guns?
(It’s already happening!!!!!)

http://www.forbes.com/sites/andygreenberg/2013/05/05/meet-the-liberator-test-firing-the-worlds-first-fully-3d-printed-gun/

Along with weapons, won’t there also come the replication of illegal drugs?
Meth labs? Drug dealers? A thing of the past.
Replication….easy, hey presto… Anyone can do it, at home. Just GOOGLE how!

Look, progress is good – well intended, helping people is good….Giving people new organs is good….isn’t it?
Though some part of me wonders….I feel terrible saying this, but if we all end up being able to be cured of every disease through replacement organs…….how will this earth sustain the ever growing population of human beings who live well beyond normal life spans, which already we are helping to do what with all the medical advances we’re making.
What are the ramifications?
Won’t we eventually run out of space….? Natural resources? Food?

Well, wait…..there’s more….

I read an article saying they are working on replicating MEAT.
Why not, if they are talking about replicating human organs?
Why not FOOD…flesh…meat?
Care for a printed burger? A fake steak?
Futuristic creeplolistic!

Water?
Will we eventually be drinking printed water?
Will we have forests of printed tree’s?
Drive printed cars?
Live in printed houses?

Further and further I am falling down the Alice in wonderland hole pondering this.

How can we KNOW what we have started?
What are the moral, ethical, societal, future of this planet – implications?

In our quest for progress, for improvement…..are we simply opening more and more pandora’s boxes?

Crazy humming lady thoughts.

Nothing much has happened lately for me to write about.
Just life being crazy busy in the normal mundane crazy busy way.
I’ve been waiting and waiting for something even mildly amusing or unusually interesting to happen, but nothing has.

Oh the other night I had to sit and wait in the car by myself for a whole hour, in the dark, ALONE, in a deserted street, while my two daughters did their beginners belly dance class (for the first time – I convinced them to try it. ) My teacher said I wasn’t allowed to watch though :::pout::::
Something about them feeling intimidated by having their mother watch them try to dance for the first time.
Would *I* laugh at my own children?
Never!
Ha!

Do you know how long an hour is, when you have been banished to sit in a dark car by yourself?
No phone to play with (because I don’t own one) No technological gadgets to fiddle with (Because I don’t own any.)
All I had was my handbag, in the dark.
Didn’t want the light on…attract attention…a lone woman in a car on a dark street.
You know….just caution.

Boredom had me feeling my way round inside my bag, seeing/feeling what interesting things I had stashed in there. (Bit of a gamble really. My handbag is like the jaws of hell, so my husband says. He refuses to go in there!)

Kinda like that childhood game you used to play at parties….remember when you actually used to play real physical hands on GAMES?
Like pop the balloon between your legs….pin the tail on the donkey…..pass the parcel! The taste test game? I used to love that one.
Remember the one where a tray would be brought out with a multitude of objects hidden under a cloth and you had to slip your hand under and guess what each object was without being able to see it?
No?
Don’t worry, you have to be relegated to the antique section to remember that one.
Back in the dark ages, from whence I came…….

Well, I played that game with myself in the car.
I felt around in the vast caverns of horror called my handbag, and among other unidentifiable …things… found my lip balm….never without THAT. I actually have about three different kinds in there. Just in case my lips completely crack up and fall off in public.
Found what I thought, but wasn’t sure, was a small hotel sample bottle of moisturiser….but it could have been shampoo, poked in a pocket in there at the last minute to take camping. (My husband always nicks them when he travels. We have so many its ludicrous. He has hotel kleptomania. Coffee tea, sugar, soap, complimentary fold up toothbrushes….. He even stole some bathroom scales once from a hotel because they were old fashioned non digital scales and I happened to mention on the phone to him how hard it was to FIND old fashioned bathroom scales like that.
I’m embarrassed to admit that he went and nicked them because I am an HONEST person, and would never steal anything….big.)

I took a gamble and rubbed it all over my arms. Nothing wildly lathered so I figured it was either moisturiser, or conditioner.
Then I found some floss…..so I flossed my teeth. (Hell, I was bored ok!)
I remembered I had some chewing gum in there….somewhere….so I found that and chewed a piece to complete my dental refreshment.

I started humming.
Quite disconcerting really, in that dampened silence, in a closed car…to hear yourself hum.
I hummed for a while, feeling quite mad.

A man came walking down the street with his shopping hanging heavily from both hands, so I slunk down in the seat and tried to not look like a mad woman sitting alone in a dark car humming to herself.
I don’t think he saw me, but just in case I slipped the car keys between my knuckles, as per instructed by my long time ago self defense teacher.
If he tried to get in the car I would PUNCH him, with my very long key….right in the chest.
If that didn’t work, I would KNEE him in the balls very hard and when his head came up I would JAB him with my finger right in the soft spot in the middle of his neck.
Go Tracy!
Actually, I found that whole self defense class very exhilarating. (I would like to do another one.)
There is a very wild aggressive woman in me just itching to poke someone in the throat!

I was getting very violent in my thoughts there.
Luckily, as tempted as he might have been feeling at the time, he decided against breaking into the car attempting to molest or kidnap this very crazy humming lady.
Good call shopping man!
Go on home now and make some beans on toast instead.
Much safer.

I hummed some more. Quite a nice little minor chordish melody I had going there.
A bit spooky really.
I tried with syllables. It’s easier than humming, but far more insane sounding, especially since when I make up songs I usually start with this speaking in tongues nonsensical “thing” that I do.

So there I sat, alone, in a dark car, in a dark street, singing in tongues to myself.

A woman walking her dog appeared.
She looked haggard, tired, doing the walk out of duty rather than pleasure.

You should be inhaling DEEP woman! (I projected to her from my head.)
Breathe the night air into your lungs……savour it!
You’re alive, you have two good legs still…..FEEL them connect with the earth underneath the concrete and remember where you are….On this amazing beautiful planet….this earth….this wonderful EARTH. Look UP….at the stars!
Rejoice in your step, in your breath….like your dog!
(But don’t poop on the grass.)

She didn’t hear me. Such a shame.
I had wonderful inspiring things to say to her that I’m SURE would have lifted her spirits.

I sang in tongues some more, sipped from my water bottle.
I began to get a headache.
It became more insistent.
Killing time is stressful….it makes your brain hurt.
I rummaged around for some panadol.
I thought I found some….I wasn’t sure. Couldn’t read the words in the slither of streetlight on my lap. I swallowed them anyway, whatever they were.
Now I was a pill popping humming/singing in tongues lunatic woman alone in a dark car, on a dark street.

My GOD, hasn’t it been an hour ALREADY?

I decided that this was the answer to all my problems.
Not popping pills…
Doing nothing!

See, I get so distressed about the fact that time seems to be speeding up, the older I get.
Don’t you find that?
It’s SCARY.
A day, a week, a month… a YEAR…..GONE! Just like that , time gets swallowed up by this greedy thing called LIFE and I feel panicked by it!
“I’m not doing enough…..LIVING enough….experiencing enough!”
Making the MOST of it.

I fret about it a lot.
It seems though that if you sit in a dark car, on a dark street long enough, time actually slows right down!
It’s wonderful….in a really mad way.

I actually, since that night, googled it….The perception of time going faster than what it is.
Seems that I’m not alone.
Many of us are sitting here fretting about it, apparently.

Apparently, according to some….whoever’s article it was I googled. (Two actually said the same thing.)
It’s got to do with the fact that as children, so many of our experiences are new and unique so therefore the brain is using more of its energy to process the experiences, therefore giving the perception that time is moving slower?
Whereas when you are an adult, so much of what you do is routine, mundane and familiar, so you just kinda float through it all and time gets chewed up and spat out rudely, and much much quicker…. in your perception.

So….the solution to the problem seems to be that you should be seeking new and exciting, totally brand new experiences each and every day, in order to make time feel as though it is passing slower!
Like sitting in a dark car, flossing your teeth and humming, practising self defense moves in your head.
I think that qualifies as a first, for me, believe it or not.

That poke in the throat is a good move.
Believe me.

The walk.

I don’t often do this…. attempt to write short stories. I know there are plenty more experienced writers out there doing just this, and probably far better than I.
Thought I’d give it a go though. Why not?

A familiar nagging teased her from a restless sleep.
The icy bite of the night air on her cheeks tempted her to simply roll back over in the sleeping bag and put off the inevitable, but there was simply no ignoring the call of nature any longer.
Feeling along the edge of the mattress in the dark she located the small torch and began the process of dragging herself from the warmth of her cozy bed out into the elements.

A full moon flooded the campsite with a gentle blue/grey light, so once out of the tent she flipped the torch off and slipped it into her pocket.
The grass was drenched with dew, so much so that she hurried across to the dirt path not wanting her sneakers to get wet.

In the stillness of the dead of night the campground had fallen eerily silent, unlike hours before when dozens of campfires blazed and crackled as rosy cheeked children and their parents sat laughing while toasting marshmallows on green sticks.
The only sound was the crunch of her shoes on the dirt and even that was muffled by the hoodie pulled snugly over her ears.
She slipped it off, wanting to hear the silence better.

It was always a long walk to the amenities block in the middle of the night, but a walk she made often.
Years before it was the small children rousing her in the middle of the night to take this same walk.
Now it was just a whining bladder.

Her not fully awake imagination mumbled to her as she made her way up the path.
Just how many creatures were there, awake, right then, fixing their eyes on her as she walked….?
As if to answer her thoughts a black cat suddenly slunk from behind a clump of bushes and froze as it caught sight of her.
At exactly the same moment a strange sound, or sounds, as it were, came from the tree’s beyond the campground. Not quite human, not quite animal, she registered, but with no alarm, something else she registered….She was just too half asleep to be bothered trying to figure it out.
It had stopped once she reached the amenities block anyway.
Probably nothing.

The cat scooted off into the bush once she’d passed. Probably belonged to the people that ran the campground she decided.
“It didn’t exactly CROSS my path” she thought.
And that somehow made it alright.

Nobody else was ever in the toilet block and that’s a creepy thing, she decided.
Too many horror movies have scenes involving empty toilet blocks in the middle of dark nights.
There are too many unseen things, too many doors, too many maniacal men threatening to jump from behind them wielding axes.
She hurried into a stall, the same stall she’d used all weekend, the one right at the end, and locked the door.

When she was done there was the momentary decision….to wash ones hands or not.
It was bloody cold, but force of habit had her reaching for the tap before she could choose to be lazy.

Moths danced around the light as she dried her hand on shreds of paper towel.
Somebody had left their toothbrush in a suction holder, with a smiley face on it, stuck to the mirror.
One annoyed mother would be searching for that in the morning.

She began the walk back to the tent, more awake now and vastly more comfortable.
The moon had moved from beyond the canopy of tree’s at the top of the valley right across almost to the other side of the sky.
Probably close to 4am she calculated.

In a few hours the dratted Kookaburra’s would start their raucous clowning wake up call.
Who wants to be woken by such outrageous laughter?
Then the Kurrawongs would start, and the crows…
Morning was always such a noisy affair.
She much preferred the hushed silence of 4 am.

A low light fog shrouded the campground. Was it fog, or the settling of smouldering campfire smoke down in the basin of the valley?
She hadn’t noticed it before, but then again, her eyes had been barely open.

Checking her pocket for the torch she walked around the bend in the path, past the garbage bins neatly lined up to one side, towards the direction of her tent.
Suddenly the scene before her looked disturbingly unfamiliar.
Cars, tents, caravans, camper trailers seemed to swim in front of her eyes.
They all looked strange and unrecognisable.

A pang of anxiety flooded her belly.
Where was the tent?
She’d walked back exactly the same way, she was sure of it, why wouldn’t she have?
It was not THAT far, just follow the path round the bend….past the bins….around the corner, cross the grass and it should be there…
But it wasn’t!
That was somebody else’s car! Not theirs.
None of the tents had the right shape….the right angles…

Her mouth went dry.
“How the hell could I get lost?” she thought, alarmed.
“Am I having a stroke, a funny turn?
Am I dreaming?”

Her pace quickened even though she was now walking around blindly from one tent to another, searching for some familiar landmark but everything remained foreign, as though she’d landed in a totally different campground!

“There was a tap wasn’t there?
A caravan with a big awning close to where our tent was set up…..?”
Panic was now fluttering like a trapped moth in her mind and her feet were quickly becoming damp from circling around in the dew soaked grass.

“Shit! What the hell is wrong with me!” What’s happening! Where is the tent! How could I possibly be lost?”

Her heart pounded in her chest as she frantically moved from one row of tents and vans to the next.
A lump in her throat began to well up constricting her breath….tears pricked at her eyes and suddenly she felt as though she was five years old again….lost….unable to find the safety of her parents….

The blue/grey light of the moon, the shroud of smoke lingering low in the valley seemed to thicken, blurring her vision.
The silhouetted tree’s appeared to bend towards her at crazy angles.
The stars swirled in the sky above, as though the universe had suddenly been set in greasy motion.
Everything was just wrong. Very very wrong!

She whirled around and around, on the spot… turning this way, then that, but everything just became crazier…

Suddenly there was the cat.
The same black cat she’d seen on her way to the amenities block.
It sat perched on a large tree stump watching, with eyes fixed upon her like emerald saucers, and seemed to be smiling.
From behind it, deep within the shadows of the tree’s there came the same half human,half animal sounds she’d heard before, but this time she WAS afraid.
Very afraid.
And then the screaming began….

Pulling the sleeping bag tight around her chin, back in the comfort of the tent, she settled down, closing her eyes as the echo of screams faded in her brain.

“I must remember, at some point, to write that down.” she thought idly to herself, allowing her thoughts to drift…

“Yes you must.” answered the ever present company in her mind.
“We will walk again together soon.” it smiled.

My phobia.

I confess, I have a phobia. Me? The oh so fearless one you say?
Did you know that my name “Tracy” means – bold and courageous. Boy, did my parents get that wrong.

Yes, I have an irrational overwhelming fear that I live with constantly especially when partaking of my favourite activity which happens to take me where it is highly likely that I will encounter the very thing which I fear with such intensity.

The activity is camping, so can you guess what the fear is?
I bet you can’t.
No, it’s not a fear of snakes.
I am fascinated by snakes and despite the fact that we have, what is it, seven of the ten most deadliest snakes in the world here in Australia, they do not bother me much, because snakes really don’t intentionally seek out humans.
In all our years of camping we’ve only seen a handful of snakes, usually dead on the road, so snakes are not really an issue.
Of course, you must be sensible, and aware. Zip the tent up, don’t walk in long grass if you can help it, don’t lift up rocks or logs or poke around in snakey areas.
Just common sense really.

I’ve had more encounters with snakes inside my HOUSE than out in the bush anyway.
One red belly black came inside a house we were living in to shed it’s skin and another, a whip snake I believe, slithered under my chair once when I had the door leading outside open.
Of course I screamed when THAT happened. Who wouldn’t. Especially because the cat and then the DOG decided to chase the snake, and that wasn’t a good scenario.
Nobody got hurt, the snake slithered off and everybody was just a little bit excited for a while.

I’m not paranoid about spiders either, though I have more fear of those than snakes, simply because they are harder to see.
My husband got bitten by a white tail spider once. Turned his leg into a real mess. Rotted the flesh, God it stunk. He was lucky though, only the scar remains. Some people lose limbs!

Spiders here are a part of life, especially huge huntsman spiders which frequently hide in the car, in places like behind the sun viser thing on the windscreen, and THAT is the main danger they pose. Giving drivers heart attacks while the vehicle is in motion.
They don’t mean to be scary and they don’t purposely seek out humans, they just like to hide in dark places like shoes.
Spiders are ok, even in the bush I don’t fear them.

So what is my irrational fear?
The thing that sets me off screaming in uncontrolled hysteria?

Leeches.

I don’t know why. I don’t know how or where it began. I can’t even remember my first encounter with a leech but if there’s anything that triggers a massive anxiety response in me it is the presence of these slimy little blood sucking buggers.

Unfortunately because of the tropical nature of most of our outdoor environments here near the coast the likelihood of encountering leeches is quite high. This is why I like the outback so much, because it’s dry and there ARE no leeches in the desert!
But anywhere close to home and even AT home, sometimes there are the dreaded leech encounters!

Imagine my horror one day when I discovered a leech in our kitchen SINK!

They’re getting in!!! from Tracy Lundgren on Vimeo.

Like I said in that video, it’s just the way they MOVE…..In the bush they CHASE you! Seek you out and move towards you at alarming speed and once they get those disgusting mouthparts IN you it’s impossible to get them off unless you have a container of salt at the ready to sprinkle on them whereby they shrivel up and drop off.
Nothing deters them, not even drenching yourself in insecticide, and the worst part is that they burrow in your shoes, socks, clothing and you don’t even know they’re THERE sucking your blood because their bite is painless – they release some kind of anesthetic thing so you can’t FEEL them.
Horrifically sneaky if you ask me.

I remember once trekking down this huge hill behind our house and when we got to the bottom, where there was a pretty little stream suddenly I saw ALL these leeches.
In a mere nano second I developed super human fitness skills (I am not fit, hadn’t done anything more than a fast walk in years, and at that time I was a heavy smoker)
I literally sprinted back up that incredibly steep hill at lightning speed. I don’t think my feet even touched the ground the whole way up and when I got inside the house clothing was ripped off for a thorough inspection of all body parts to make entirely SURE that no leeches had attached their horrid little selves to me.
I never ever went down that hill again, no matter how pretty the scene at the bottom.

In general I avoid walking in places where there may be leeches, but you can’t help it sometimes, especially when out camping.

We just got back from a camping trip yesterday with some friends and their kids.
Went to a really pretty spot, near a river which flowed from a dam further up the hill….
Of course, we had to go for a walk by the river, following it all the way up to the dam wall at the top.

As we walked my girlfriend, who also apparently has a fear of leeches wondered out loud to herself at the possibility of encountering leeches, and mentioned the fact that we hadn’t brought any salt with us on the walk.

So that was it, the thought was impregnated into my brain.
“Leeches…are there leeches, where are the leeches, look out for leeches….run if you see leeches….”
I didn’t see any, and I looked carefully. Thought to myself, nah….it’s not leechy territory. Too dry, not enough rain recently….probably ok.
I relaxed a little and kept walking.
It was nice, pretty…..good to see the kids being “kids”, out in the sunshine, enjoying nature.

I was last in line as we trekked alongside the river (which at the moment is more like a small stream)…busy fiddling with my camera (which hasn’t been working properly lately!)
And then it happened.
I saw something on my cargo pants leg.
It was thin and it was MOVING!

OhmyGodohmyGodohmyGod IT’S ………A LEECH!!!!!

Well that was it.
I was frozen on the spot and all I could scream were the same words over and over again.
“GET IT OFF ME! GET IT OFF ME! GET IT OFF ME!!!!!”
“What….What? Get what off you?” everybody gathered round me now said.
“”GET IT OFF!!!!!”
“What….There’s nothing there?”
“GET IT……..?”
Confusion….hysteria….paralysis….FEAR…uncertainty….calming down a little bit now….removing ones sunglasses now…..looking closer at the thing on my pants leg now…..Oh my….no, it can’t be….how embarrassing…..how to save face NOW…. a moment of silence and then…my own hysterical LAUGHTER.

It wasn’t a leech.
It was the buckle thing under the pocket of my cargo pants.

Yeah, well….Fear has a good imagination!
And my eyes are not good.
I really honestly THOUGHT it was a leech wriggling round. The motion as I walked made the buckle move….
It really DID for a few seconds, look like something was squirming.

Embarrassing!

I’m SO glad there weren’t hoards of other people around to witness my moment of silly hysterical totally irrational behaviour.

But next time, I WON’T forget the salt.